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PRICE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS 



LOOKING FOR 
MARY JANE 

BY 
HELEN BAGG 




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THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 
PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One, of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Rvith dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor.' Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the^ "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
fernales. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 
15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Looking for Mary Jane 

A Farce in Three Acts 



By 
HELEN BAGG 

Author of "Whiskers;' **Why Not Jim;' 
"Let's All Get Married," etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1915 









Copyright 1915 by The Penn Publishing Company 



^■c, / 



©CiD 41458 
AUG 10 1915 

Looking for Mary Jane A 

TMP92-008602 



Looking for Mary Jane 



CHARACTERS 



John Merrifield 
Augustus Merrifield 
Charles Barnes 

Berkeley Crane 
Ambrose Paddington 
Gustave Schultz 
Wing Tu . 
An Expressman. 
Pauline Wentworth 
Marie Varney 



a Chicago millionaire 

. his only son 

Augustus^ chuniy 

who is stout but energetic 

a friend of both 

a composer of opera 

manager of an opera company 

a laundryman 



whose aunt keeps a boarding-hotise 
a young widow 
Carlita Romagna Schultz . . a prima donna 

Gladys . . . who has worked in a restaurant 

Time : — Two hours and a half. 



SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Living-room of the Wentworth house. One after- 
noon in August. 
Act II. — Same scene ; evening of the same day. 
Act III.— Same scene ; an hour later. 

Time. — The present. 

Place. — Any city in the United States not in the extreme 
east or extreme west. 




** Now You've Done It ! Get Out of Here ! 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

Gus Merrifield's father, a millionaire, wants his son to pay 
an old debt of gratitude by marrying Mary Jane 
Crabbe, daughter of a former partner. Gus is travel- 
ing with two friends, Berkeley (Berk) and Charles. A 
handsome young opera star, ** Carlita " has induced 
Berk to help her smuggle a Chinaman into the United 
States in a trunk. Gus receives his father's peremptory 
order to find Mary Jane at Mrs. Wentworth's boarding- 
house and marry her. The three friends find there 
is a Mary Jane in the house, known however as 
Marie Varney, a young widow. The boys are hard 
up. They fix up a plan to have Berk get engaged to 
Marie under Gus's name, hoping she will break the 
engagement when she finds the deception. But through 
Pauline, Mrs. Wentworth's niece, Marie discovers the 
scheme, and to punish the boys becomes engaged to all 
three of them. Then the trunk supposed to contain 
the Chinaman arrives. The boys are afraid of the 
police. A real Chinaman, ** Carlita's" jealous husband, 
and a smallpox scare add other complications. Berk 
and Gus have really fallen in love, but the girls won't 
look at them. Gus's father arrives to find things badly 
mixed. But it turns out that ''Carlita" is the real 
Mary Jane, that there was no smuggled Chinaman and 
no smallpox, and the boys are forgiven and happy. 



COSTUMES, ETC. 

Mr. Merrifield. About sixty. White whiskers and hair. 

Summer costume. 
Augustus (Gus) Merrifield. Twenty-three. Handsome. 

Rather shy. Well dressed in summer suit, straw hat, 

etc. 
Charles Barnes. Twenty-five. Stout. He has a genius 

for getting into and out of scrapes. Well dressed in 

summer suit. 
Berkeley (Berk) Crane. Twenty two. Good-looking, 

happy-go-lucky. Rather absent-minded. Well-dressed 

in summer suit. 
Paddington. Thirty. Slender, with long dark hair. 

Excitable. Wears dark clothes, with slouch hat and a 

big black loose bow tie, witli flowing ends. 
ScHULTZ. Thirty. A stout and rather excitable German. 

Summer clothing. Carries a very large silk handker- 
chief of some bright color. 
Wing Tu. Chinaman, any age. Typical Chinese costume 

of blue blouse and loose trousers, slippers, silk cap, 

queue. 
Expressman. Any age. Blue checked blouse or shirt, 

uniform cap, dark trousers. Rough in manner and 

speech. 
Pauline. Twenty. Very pretty. Indoor summer dress, 

plain but attractive. 
Marie, Twenty-one. A charming young woman, stun- 
ningly gowned. Summer dress, hat, gloves, etc. 
Carlita. Twenty-five. Emotional. Red hair if possible 

(if not, text must be slightly altered to omit references 

to her hair). Handsome sunmier gown, hat, gloves, 

etc. 
Gladys. Nineteen. She wears the cap and apron of a 

servant, but the latest thing in hair and summer skirts. 

She is slangy, but not coarse. 



PROPERTIES 

Merrifield. Paper money. 

Gus. Chisel ; a bunch of roses (or a pasteboard box 
tied up and supposed to contain roses) ; a large box 
tied with cord and containing a lady's coat. This 
coat should be as startling in style as possible. It may 
have bright colored cuffs, collar, belt, etc. On the 
back should be sewed a piece of black cloth of irregular 
shape, supposed to be an ink-spot. 

Charles. Metal paper knife, cigarette. Large hat box, 
tied up, and containing a lady's hat. This should be 
in loud colors, large feather, etc., and should be as 
startling as possible in combination with the coat de- 
scribed above. 

Berk. Money (coins). Revolver. Bunch of roses, or a 
box tied up and supposed to contain roses. Handker- 
chief, scarf-pin, key. 

Paddington. Large patent-medicine bottle. China, and 
light pieces of wood to smash off stage. Roll of music. 

ScHULTZ. Telegram. 

Wing Tu. Folded paper. 

Expressman. Large trunk, containing slippers, braid of 
false hair, gloves, fan, and an armful of feminine 
clothing. 

Pauline. Papers on desk. Envelope. Vase for flowers, 
newspaper. Hot-water bag. 

Marie. Roses, dog, note, suit-case, handkerchief. 

Carlita. Vanity-box. Handkerchief. 

Gladys. Telegram. Visiting card. 

Other Properties. Waste-paper basket, lamp on table, a 
framed picture on wall. 



SCENE PLOT 



Inferior 



BachinjS 




SCENE {same for all acts). — The living-room of Mrs. 
Wentworth's boarding-house. Pleasantly, but not 
luxuriously, furnished. Wide door with portieres up c, 
leading to entrance hall and street. Door l. leads to 
stairs and rooms on all floors. Door r. leads to other 
down-stairs rooms. Closet up L., with key in door, is 
supposed to be place where the family keeps its um- 
brellas, etc. Table r. c, with lamp and paper-knife 
on it, as well as books, papers, etc. Armchair to r. 
of table. Small chairs down r. and near door c. 
Desk up L., with small chair in front of it, and on or 
over desk a rack for letters. Sofa down L. Framed 
picture on wall up r. with a telegram in envelope 
sticking in frame at rise of curtain, Act I. Other fur- 
nishings as desired. 



Looking for Mary Jane 



ACT I 

The curtain rises upon the living-room of Mrs. Went- 
worth's house. It is a large^ pleasantly furnished 
room; door with portieres at c. leading to reception 
hall ; doors at R. and l. Another door up l. leads 
to a closet where the family keeps its umbrellas ^ etc. 
Library table ^ r. c, with easy chair to right of it. 
Couch or sofa down l. Small desk up l. with a rack 
for letters on it. In front of it is a desk chair. Small 
chairs down R. and at c. near door. Framed picture 
on wall up R. Some one is improvising at a pia7io off 
stage at r. Gladys is adjusting lamp on table ^ R. c. 
The 'phone on the desk up l. rings and she goes to 
answer it as deliberately as she dares. 

Gladys (at 'phone). Hullo ! Huh ? No, this ain't Rosiel 
You got your wires crossed ! Fresh ! {Bangs down 
receiver.') A girl needs the legs of a centipede to work 
in a boarding-house ! If it wasn't for George bein' the 
cop on this beat, I never would have quit the restau- 
rant ! Believe me ! 

(She takes a few *^ grapevine " steps back to the table, whis- 
tling vigorously. The piano stops instantly, and Am- 
brose Paddington appears at r., his hat under his 
arm. He rushes at the amazed whistler atid seizes 
her angrily by the arm.) 

Paddington. Here, stop that, will you ? 

Gladys. Suffering cats, Mr. Paddington ! 

Paddington. That noise — you've got to stop it, do you 

understand ? 
GhkT>\s {much offended). Me? 
Paddington. Here 1 am, at the psychological moment of 

my opera — the moment that is to draw the listening 

9 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



multitudes out of their chairs, and hold them sus- 
pended in emotional ecstasy — and how am I to do it, 
when all that 1 can hear is your infernal 

(^He imitates her whistling angrily.^ 

Gladys. My gracious, Mr. Paddington, I ain't no 

mummy. 
Paddington. Well, keep quiet — there's a good girl. And 

if any one calls for me, say that I will be back in an 

hour ; unless it's a man with a bill — you can tell him 

I'm dead. 
Gladys. I got you. 
Paddington (^pausing and surveying her meditatively'). 

You're a very lucky young woman. 
Gladys. Lucky ? Me ? 
Paddington. Yes. In future years, when the world is 

ringing with the praises of my opera, you will be able 

to tell your children 

Gladys (indignantly). Why, the idea, Mr. Paddington. 

Well, 1 like 

Paddington. You will be able to tell your children that 

you listened to that ravishing music long before it ever 

reached the dull ears of the public. Oh, happy little 

one ! 

(Puts his hat on and swaggers off at c. Gladys stares 
after him wrathfully.) 

Gladys. Little one ! If I don't tell my cop to lean on 
your face and hand you one for a fresh guy, my name 
ain't Gladys ! {She shakes her fist at him.) 

{Efiter Pauline Wentworth, l.) 

Pauline. Has Mr. Paddington gone out, Gladys? 

Gladys. He's in the hall now, Miss Pauline. 

Pauline {crossing to c. attd calling). Mr. Paddington ! 

{Exit Gladys at r., angrily. Pauline goes to desk up L. 
and sits.) 

{Enter Paddington at c.) 

Paddington. Did somebody call me ? 

lO 



LOOKING FOB 31 A BY JANE 



Pauline. I did. May I have a word or two with you on 
business ? 

Paddington. With pleasure, Miss Wentworth. (He sits ; 
pause y while she looks through her papers.) May I 
suggest that 1 have a pressing engagement at five ? 

Pauline. 1 won't keep you a moment. You know, since 
my aunt has been laid up with hay fever, 1 have been 
running the house, and 

Paddington. One moment. That reminds me. Your 
aunt sneezes entirely too much and too loudly. Yes- 
terday when 1 was down town, 1 bought a new remedy 
which is guaranteed to break up the most obstinate case 
of hay fever in twenty-four hours. Allow me to pre- 
sent it to your aunt. (Hands her a large bottle.) 

Pauline. Why, Mr. Paddington, how kind of you 1 

Paddington. It's nothing. I have a sympathetic nature. 
Without it I could not compose ; and I cannot com- 
pose while your aunt sneezes, and that fiend in the 
kitchen whistles ! 

Pauline. 1 see. {Takes a small envelope from the desk.) 
1 have a bill here, Mr. Paddington, that 1 would like 
to have you settle if it's convenient. 

Paddington (^gloomily). Miss Wentworth, it's never con- 
venient to settle bills — never ! 

Pauline. But it's been running two months 

Paddington. What's the use of trying to catch up with a 
thing that's been running for two months? 

Pauline. But 

Paddington. However, I don't mind telling you that I 
expect very soon to be able to pay them all. Did you 
ever hear of Mme. Carlita Romagna ? 

Pauline. No. 

Paddington. She is an opera singer — beautiful as a dream. 
She sings Marguerite, Aida, Mimi, Carmen, like an 
angel from heaven ! She is married to a man named 
Schultz. 

Pauline. Oh, how could she? 

Paddington. He is the manager of the company. They 
have been touring Mexico, and open here to-morrow. 
I intend that she shall produce my opera. 

Pauline. But 

Paddington. Listen. I heard her sing a year ago, and I 
swore that no other woman should create the title role 



LOOKING FOR BIARY JANE 



of my opera. I went to see her — she was out. I went 
again — she was out. I followed iier from town to 
town, but she was always out. 

Pauline. It must have been very trying. 

Paddington. It was maddening ! 1 followed them from 
New York here ; they went on into Mexico. 1 had no 
money to follow them any further. Now that they are 
coming back, they shall produce my opera. 

Pauline. But perhaps she'll siill be out. 

Paddington. Oh, no. I have discovered the key to her 
friendship. I have rendered her a great service. When 
she hears this she will be so grateful that she will hear 
my opera, and once she has heard it, 1 have her in the 
hollow of my hand. It will make us both famous, and 
when I am famous, your bill shall be paid. 

Pauline. Of course if 

Paddington. I haven't time for another word. Mme. 
Schultz arrived this morning. I wrote her asking for 
an interview at five ; it is now half-past four. Adios. 

(^He darts off, C.) 

Pauline. Oh, dear, I'm afraid I'll never be a success in 
the boarding-house business. The artistic temperament 
is a weird thing. 

(She begins to sort letters, putting them into a rack on the 
desk.) 

(Enter Gladys at r.) 

Gladys. Say, the Chink's in the kitchen with Mr. Pad- 

dington's laundry. 
Pauline {absorbed in a letter). Well ? 
Gladys. He says he'll not go till his bill's paid. 
Pauline. Then I'm afraid Mr. Paddington will have to 

take his meals in his room for a while. 
Gladys. He says he'll not budge till he gets his money, 

and the cook says either him or her'U have to beat it 

before dinner. 
Pauline. That'll never do. Send him in here. (Gladys 

starts R.) Oh, and Gladys, I have a letter here from 

three young gentlemen from Chicago. They've been 

traveling in Mexico and will arrive some time to-day. 

(^Consults letter.) Mr. Merrifield, Mr. Barnes and Mr. 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Crane. Mr. Merrifield is the son of the Chicago mil- 
lionaire pork packer. 

Gladys. Them packers is a bad lot. Why, I seen a 
fillum 

Pauline (patiently). Yes, Gladys. Auntie had a letter 
from old Mr. Merrifield some time ago engaging rooms 
for them. We must get them ready at once. The 
other two are traveling as young Mr. Merrifield's guests. 
There was a telegram for Mr. Merrifield yesterday, you 
know. Where did you put it ? 

Gladys. Here you are. 

{Takes telegram from picture frame^ up R.) 

Pauline. Oh, thank you. Now hurry, Gladys. 
Gladys. All right. 

(^Exit c, very slowly. Pauline puts telegram in rack 
on desk.) 

{Enter Wing Tu at r. He is a placid- looking Chinaman 
in native costume.) 

Pauline. Oh, good-evening, Wing. 

Wing Tu (xw/////?-). How do, missee? Me gottee washee 

for Mr. Paddlington. 
Pauline. Yes, you may leave it in the kitchen, you know. 
Wing Tu {smiling wider). Me gottee littee bill for Mr. 

Paddlington. {Takes paper from blouse.) 
Pauline. I'm sorry, but he's just gone out. 
Wing Tu {still smiling). Me gottee two, three littee bills. 

Me gettee brother from China this week. Takee iottee 

money gettee brother from China by Mexico. Me likee 

gettee bills paid. 
Pauline. A brother from China? What do you mean? 
Wing Tu. Costee Iottee money snuggle Chinaman over 

border. 
Pauline. Smuggle? 
Wing Tu. Some time bling him over in boat — some time 

put him in flour barrel in Pullman car. Me got brother 

some over in lady's trunk — allee samee silk stockings. 
Pauline. Do you mean to say that your brother is being 

smuggled over from Mexico in a lady's trunk? 

(Wing Tu nods.) But it's very wicked ! 

13 



LOOKING FOR 3IABY JANE 



Wing Tu. Sure — velly wicked — velly expensive. Me 

likee getlee littee bill paid. 
Pauline. Very well, I'll speak to Mr. Paddington ; but 

you mustn't cuiue and sit in the kitchen ; my cook 

doesn't like it. You come in here next time, do you 

understand ? 
Wing Tu. Me savvy, missee. Good-bye. 

(£xit at R. Pauline rises.) 

Pauline. Now I must go up and look after those rooms. 

(^Exii, L.) 

{Enter Gladys, preceding Augustus Merrifield and 
Charles Barnes, at c.) 

Gus. Tell Mrs. Wentworth that Mr. Merrifield and Mr. 
Barnes are here, please. 

Gladys. Are you the young men from Chicago? I 
thought they was three of you? 

Charles. We are, oh, Mrs. Sherlock Holmes, and there 
are three of us; but one of us, being a fastidious crea- 
ture, stopped down-town to get a shave. 

Gladys {eyeing him distastefully). I'll call Miss Pauline. 

(Exitf L.) 

Charles. Miss Pauline sounds good to me. Go as far as 
you like. 

Gus {coming down, l.). I say, Charlie, I don't Hke this. 
Dad wrote me that the house was managed by a Mrs. 
AVentworth. 

Charles {coming down r.). Oh, Gus, Gus, what makes 
you such a girl hater? 

Gus. Oh, I'll tell you some time; this isn't the time. I 
feel exactly as though something disagreeable was going 
to happen to me in this place. {Sits on sofa down l.) 

Charles. It's your liver. Everybody feels that way after 
he's lived a month on Mexican cooking. Cheer up, 
we're going to hear from that rich dad of yours and get 
a good fat remittance, so that we can go on to Cali- 
fornia. Wonder where they keep their mail? {He 
goes up L., looks aroufidj sees telegram in rack, takes 
it out.) What did 1 tell you ? Telegram. 

: {Comes doiun and hands it to Gus.) 

14 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gus. It's from Dad, all right. He always telegraphs. 

Charles. Well, if I had his money, I'd use nothing but 
wireless. 

Gus (reading). Great Guns I 

Charles. What's the matter? 

Gus {handing it to him). Read that. 

Charles. "Mary Jane found, living at 231 Monterey 
Street. Wire favorable results or no remittance. 
Father." Gus, your father hasn't gone out of his head, 
has he? Nervous strain, you know? Swinging big 
deals — all that sort of thing ? 

Gus {irritably). No, I know what he means, all right. 

Charles. Well, you'll have to show me. 1 don't read 
code messages. {Sits on sofa^ l. ) 

Gus {pointing tragically to telegram). That's ray reason 
for being a woman hater. It's hung over me since my 
cradle. 

Charles. You mean it's — it's hereditary ? 

Gus. No, I mean Mary Jane. I may as well tell you. 
The trip's busted, and 1 suppose you've got to know 
why. 

Charles. There seemed to be a dark sort of a hint about 
the remittance. 

Gus. That's not a hint, it's a cold blooded threat. Listen ; 
when my Dad started out in business, he had a partner 
named Crabbe, who got him to invest in a gold mine. 
Crabbe got discouraged and Dad bought him out. 
Soon after that Crabbe disappeared. 

Charles. You don't say I Well, where does Mary 
Jane 

Gus. I'll get to her quick enough, don't worry. About ten 
years later, an English syndicate took hold of the mine, 
found it was worth a lot of money, and what with that 
and the pigs, he's been on Easy Street ever since. 

Charles. Gosh ! The luck — the infernal luck of some 
chaps ! 

Gus. Then Dad set to work to locate Crabbe. They found 
the old chap was dead and had left a daughter, Mary 
Jane. Dad's been looking for her for five years. Ac- 
cording to that wire, he's located her right here in this 
house. He must have known it when he told me to 
come here. 

Charles. I see. He wants to settle some money on her? 

15 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gus. No, he doesn't. He wants to settle me on her. 

Charles. What ? 

Gus. He wants me to marry her. What do you think of 

that? 
Charles. I think it only needs soft music, a spotlight 

and a staircase waltz to make a first rate musical 

comedy. 
Gus {rising y atid pacing back and forth). Yes, I thought 

you'd see the funny side of it. 
Charles {waving telegram at Gus). Do you mean to say 

that this is why you've always avoided girls? 
Gus. Well, wouldn't you avoid 'em if you expected to be 

swooped down on and married any minute by a woman 

named Mary Jane Crabbe ? 
Charles. Don't be conceited, my son; she might turn you 

down. {Laughs.) 
Gus. She wouldn't have a chance if Dad got hold of her. 

He'd have us married and off on our honeymoon before 

we knew the color of each other's eyes. 
Charles. What are you going to do? 
Gus. Do? I'm going to wire him that he's crazy, and 

then I'm going to walk the ties home ! 
Charles. It's confoundedly hot weather for walking, 

Gus. Why not wait and meet her? She might be 

very attractive. 
Gus. No woman is attractive if you're compelled to marry 

her. 
Charles. Being engaged to her isn't marrying her. 
Gus (r.). What do you mean ? 
Charles. A thousand things that can happen to upset an 

engagement. 
Gus. Tiiat doesn't help me. I can't get engaged to a 

girl in a week just to give you and Berk a trip to 

California. 
Charles {rising and going c). You could if you weren't 

such a blamed coward. You could get the thing 

settled, wire your father, get the money, and break the 

engagement at your leisure, when within walking dis- 
tance of Chicago. 
Gus. That would be a nice way to treat a poor girl, 

wouldn't it? 
Charles. Why not ? Don't they break engagements for 

any fool thing they want to? Haven't three of them 
i6 



LOOKING FOB MABY JANE 



broken engagements with me in three years ? Of 
course, if you'd rather give up the trip 

Gus. You know I woukhi't. I'm having the time of my life. 
But, hang it all, 1 shouldn't know how to go about it. 

Charles. 1 only wish it had happened to Berk or 
me. ( Goes L. ) 

Gus. So do I. 

Charles {suddenly). Gus ! 

Gus. Well ? 

Charles. Come here and listen carefully to papa. Why 
shouldn't Berk change places with yon, carry out the 
scheme, then write the lady and confess the truth ? 
She'll be furious, break the engagement, and there you 
are. Your father can't expect you to marry a woman 
who won't have you, and we'll have had our trip. 

Gus. Sounds like a con game. 

Charles. It is a con game. Of course, if you've set your 
mind on walking home, I'm willing. I had a sun- 
stroke once when I was a kid, but to oblige a friend 

Gus. 1 say, Charlie, do yon suppose Berk could do it? 

Charles. Berk? Like a dream. Isn't he always falling 
in love with somebody or other? 

Gus. But we don't want him to fall in love with her. 

Charles. What do we care? That's his lookout. We're 
not chaperoning Berkeley Crane, are we? 

Gus. Do you think he will? 

Charles. You bet he will, if T get hold of him once. 
He's always getting into flirtations to please himself; 
let him get into one to jjle^ise us once. 

Gus. That's right. You know what that red-headed girl 
who was on the train with us yesterday did to him? 
Got him to check one of her trunks through on his 
ticket — she had excess baggage. 1 told him he'd get 
into trouble one of these days, being so fresh. 

Charles. Well, he's got a good chance to get into it on 
this deal. (^Whist/in,^ heard off stage.) There he 
comes — let me handle him. 

Gus. He sounds happy. 

Charles. He won't sound happy long. 

{Efiter Berkeley Crane at c.) 

Berk. Hullo, fellows ! How's everything? That barber 
was slow as time. I say, what's the matter? 

17 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Gus {sittings down r). Everything. 

Charles {down r.). Sit down, Berk, and brace yourself 

for a blow. 
Berk. What — didn't the check come? 
Gus. That's the least of the trouble. 
Bekk (J)ringi7ig chair from R. and sittings c). Great 

Scott, anybody dead ? 
Gus. Not yet. Tell him, Charlie. 
Charles {with precision). Gus has just had a telegram 

from his fatiier, saying that lie won't send any more 

money unleSvS Gus wires him within a week that he's 

engaged to a girl who's living in this house. 
Berk {grinning). Well, what's the joke ? 
Gus. There isn't any. It's the truth. I've got to wire 

Dad that I'm engaged to a girl named Mary Jane, or 

we walk back to Chicago. 
Berk. Well, go ahead, wire him. I don't mind. 
Charles. Sit down, you wooden-head. We can't do it 

unless Gus is engaged to her. The old gentleman 

might wire back congratulations. 
Bekk. Let him get engaged to her, then. I always 

thought some girl would make Gus a good husband. 
Charles. But he doesn't want to be engaged to her. 
Berk. Well, he doesn't want to walk home, does he? 
Gus. Besides, 1 can't. She wouldn't have me. 
Bekk. Oh, she might. There's no accounting for tastes. 
Charles. Look here, Berkeley Crane, one of us has got 

to be engaged to that girl in a week. Gus is scared to 

death if a girl looks at him, so you've got to do it. 
Berk {rising). Me ? Not on your life. 
Charles. You've got to. 
Berk. Never. Why, I don't know her ! 
Gus. Neither do we. 
Berk. I'd walk to Cape Cod first. Nothing doin-g. 

Charles {rising). Look here. Berk, be a good chap 

Bkkk. Be a darn fool, you mean. 

Gus. All you've got to do is to be yourself — I mean, be 

me, but act like yourself. 
Bekk. Why can't Charlie do it? 

Gus. Why, he 

Charles. I'd do it — I'd be glad to do it for Gus, but, 

well, the fact is, I'm engaged to a girl in Chicago. 
Berk. First time I've heard of it. 

18 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Charles. It's the first time anybody's lieard of it. There's 
no law, is there, compelling a man to announce his 
engagement from the housetops ? 

Gus (jisiNg). Think of the trip to California. 

Charles [savage/y). Think of all the ties between here 
and Chicago ! 

Berk. But suppose she accepts me? 

Gus {patiently). We want her to accept you. 

Berk. 1 don't. 1 haven't any money to support a wife. 
1 can't even keep a dog. 

Gus. She's going to break the engagement in a few weeks. 

Berk. How do you know she is ? 

Charles {going r. to Berk). Because you're going to 
write her the truth, and it's going to make her very 
angry, and Mr. Merrifield will have to soothe her in- 
jured feelings with a handsome check. 

Berk. Who's going to soothe my injured feelings? 

Charles {looking l.). Here comes the landlady; be de- 
cent, Berk. 

Gus. Oh, he will. Berk's all right. 

Berk. Look here, you chaps, there's one thing 1 want to 
know — I insist upon knowing. 

Both. Yes ? 

Berk {putting chair back, down R.). Is she white? 

{Enter Pauline, l.) 

Paui>ine. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting all this time. 
Charles {aside). Let me manage it. 

{He advances to meet Pauline.) 

Pauline. I've been so busy with the rooms. We've been 
awfully rushed during this holiday week. 

Charles. Don't mention it. Miss 

Pauline {coming down i..). VVentworth. 

Charles (c). Miss Wenlworth, let me present Mr. Augus- 
tus Merrifield. 

(Gus starts nervously; Berk remains motionless, until 
Charles kicks him energetically, then he steps forward.) 

Berk (r., gruffly'). Glad to meet you. 
Charles. And Mr. Berkeley Crane. 
Gus (r., nervously). Delighted. 

19 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Pauline. You'll want to see your rooms right away, I 

suppose ? 
Charles. Just a moment. May we have a word with you 

on business before we go up-stairs ? 
Pauline. Why, surely. 

(Pauline siiSy l. Charles does likewise. Berk^^^j up r. 
Gus stands 7iervously at R. ) 

Charles. Miss Wentworth, 1 want to ask you in strict 
confidence, is there a person in this house named Mary 
Jane ? 

Pauline. Why, no one that I Why, yes, there's 

Mrs. Varney. 

Charles. | ^ p 

Gus. I ^^'^- ^ 

(Berk comes down c.) 

Pauline. Yes, she's a widow. 
Berk {(iisgustedly). Gosh 1 

Pauline. But 

Charles. Don't mind him. He's got the earache, and it's 

given him a grouch. Are you sure about Mary Jane? 
Pauline. Why, yes. We all call her Marie, but she signs 

all her checks ''Mary Jane C. Varney." Why, have 

you met her? 
Charles (^pointing to Berk). No, but he wants to. 
Bekk. I ? 
Charles. Yes, you. Didn't you come to me with this 

and beg me to get Miss Wentworth to introduce you to 

her? 

{Hands telegram to Pauline. Berk goes up stage atigrily.') 

Pauline (reading). But what a queer telegram ! What 

does it mean ? 
Charles. Well, you see, Gus's father is a rich old duffer 

full of whims. Mary Jane's father did him a service 

years <ig(), and he wants to make a match between them. 

You've heard of such things? 
Berk {up c). In dime novels. 

Pauline. But suppose 

Gus. There's no supijosing about it. He's cut off our 

funds till he hears that they're engaged. 
Pauline. But if she doesn't want 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Charles. She must want ! Would you see three unfor- 
tunate nien walk a thousand miles just on account of a 
woman's whim ? Besides, she's bound to like Gus 
when she knows him. (Bekk whistles aggressively.) 
Oh, don't judge him now. You can't expect a man to 
be up to much when he's got the earache. When he's 
himself he's a regular heart smasher. 

Pauline (skeptically) . I s h e ? 

Charles. I give you my word that in Chicago the girls 
pester him to death. 

Gus. If you could only fix it up so that he could meet the 
lady right away; our time here being so short 

Pauline. Why, of course I'll do what 1 can. Mrs. Var- 
ney usually comes in from her walk about this time. 
Perhaps 

Berk {coming down c). If you fellows are through chin- 
ning, I'd like to go up-stairs and dress. 

Pauline (rising). Certainly. 

Charles (to Berk). Hold on, she's coming in in a min- 
ute; you can't go. 

Berk. Oh, can't I? 

Gus (going to Berk, and speaking in a low voice). Be 
reasonable, Berk. Hang it all, don't you ever think 
of anybody but yourself? 

Marie Varney (heard outside, c). Polly, where are you? 
Got something to show you. 

Pauline. That's Mrs. Varney now ! Here I am, Marie. 

(Berk makes a dive for the door, l., but the boys stop him.) 

(Enter Marie, c, carrying a lot of flowers and leading 
a dog.) 

Marie (holding out the flowers to Pauline). I got them 
for your aunt. (Sees the boys.) Oh, 1 beg pardon I 

(She comes down L. ) 

Berk (l. , an entire change coming over hi^n as he straight- 
ens up and comes to Marie with an air of gal- 
lantry). Not at all. It is we who intrude. Ahem 1 

(Glances meaningly at Pauline.) 

21 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Pauline (^taking flowers). I want you to meet our new 
boarders — Mrs. Varney, Mr. Augustus Merrifield. 

(^A groan from Gus, as Berk responds to the introduction.) 

Berk {aside to Gus). AVhat's the matter? You haven't 
got the earache, have you? (^To Marie, as he takes 
her hand and looks into her eyes. ) Let me present my 
friends, Charlie Barnes and Berkeley Crane. Travel- 
ing with me. 

Marie. I'm awfully glad to meet you both. 

Gus {coming c). Delighted. 

Marie. 1 hope you'll like the city. 

Charles {coming c). How can we help it? 

Pauline. I'll run and put these in water. 

(^Exit at R. Charles comes down r., begins to play with 
the dog ; Marie sits down l. ; Gus places a chair near 
her for himself ; Berk slides into it.) 

Berk. Do you know, I'd like to paint you — ^just as you are 
now ; that hat and dress, with a bunch of red roses in 
your lap ? 

(Gus crosses r. to Charles disgustedly.) 

Marie. Oh, are you an artist, Mr. Merrifield ? 

Berk. A would-be artist. 1 went through college to please 

the folks, but my heart wasn't in it. 
Marie. 1 see. What a pity ! 
Charles. Warm here this time of year, don't you think, 

Mrs. Varney? 
Marie. Oh, very ! {To Berk.) It was very unselfish of 

you to persevere just to please your family. 
Berk. We all have to sacrifice ourselves sometimes, you 

know. 
Marie {to Berk). It must be hard to give up one's cher- 
ished ideals ? 
Berk. Oh, awful ! I say, I believe I'd rather paint you 

without the hat. It's a crime to cover up that hair. 

Would you think me awfully fresh if I asked you to 

take it off — the hat, I mean ? 
Makif-: {laughing ). Of course not. Artists are privileged 

people, you know. 

22 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



(^She takes off the hat^ Berk watching her admiringly^ the 
other twOf across the room at r., eyeing him in disgust. 
CuxRi^^s Jumps up suddenly.) 

Charles. I think this dog's hungry — he's trying to get a 

quick lunch off of me ! 
Marie. It's time for his chop. 
Berk. Take him out and get him a chop, Charlie. Make 

yourself useful. 
Marie. Caruso, go to Gladys. 
Charles. Caruso ! 
Gus. Holy smoke I 

(Charles leads the dog out at R.f just as Paddington, greatly 
excitedy rushes in at c.) 

Paddington. She was out again — out — out — out ! 
Marie. Good gracious, Mr. Paddington ! 

(^Enter Charles again at r.) 

Paddington. After all these weeks of waiting, I write to 
her, 1 tell her I am coming, 1 go to her hotel, and she 
is out ! 

{He sinks into a chair ^ r. c, buries his head in his hands.) 

{Enter Pauline at r., with the floivers in a tall vase. She 
puts it on the desk and comes down to Paddington.) 

Berk. Well, Pm sorry, old top, but girls will be girls, you 
know. 

Pauline. Maybe she'll be in to-morrow. You mustn't 
feel so bad. 

Paddington. She will never be in again. I feel it. 

Gus. Oh, yes, she will ; she's got to eat, you know. 

Charles. And if she isn't, there are other girls. 

Paddington. There is only one Carhta Romagna Schultz ! 

Berk. One who ? 

Paddington {despairingly). One Carmen— Aida 

Marie. Do you know her, Mr. Merrifield ? 

Berk. I ? No, of course not. How should I know Car- 
men Aida ? 

Paddington {Jutnping up and clenching his fists). But 
ril get even with her — Pll not be treated like a child — 

23 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



I'll show these people that Ambrose Paddington is not 
to be trifled with I 

(^ffe dashes out at R. Pauline gazes after him in terror,') 

Pauline. Oh, dear, what is he going to do ? Some one go 
after him — he's so excitable ! {Sounds of furniture 
being smashed off stage y R.) Oh, he's breaking the 
furniture ! 

Gus. I'll fix him. Come on, boys ! 

(Rushes after Paddington, and exit^ r.) 
Marie. Isn't he brave ! 
B^r^^-} Brave! 

( They dash off after Gus and exeunt ^ r. ) 

Marie (do7vn l.). Do you think he'll do anything very 
dreadful ? 

Pauline (^coming down c). The last time he had a tan- 
trum he threw his opera out of the window and hit 
Gladys' policeman on the head. 

Marie. Oh, that wouldn't hurt a policeman. (Crosses^ r.) 
Nice-looking men, aren't they ? 

Pauline. You think so ? 

Marie {stopping). Why, yes, rather. Why? 

Pauline {down c). Nothing; only — I've half a mind to 
tell you something. 

Marie (do7vn r.\ What is it? 

Pauline. Promise you won't tell I told you ? 

Marie. Of course. What is it ? 

Pauline. I don't believe I ought to tell you. They told 
me in strict confidence. 

Marie. What do you care about them? Go on, tell me. 

Pauline. Your name is Mary Jane, isn't it ? 

Marie. Of course it is. Go on. 

Pauline (giggling ). I am going on. That's it. Augus- 
tus Merrifield's father has told him that unless he 
announces his engagement to you within a week, he 
won't send them another cent and they'll all have to 
walk back to Chicago. If you don't believe me, read 
the telegram. 

{Hands Marie the telegram. Marie puts hat on table and 

reads.) 

24 



LOOKING FOB 3IARY JANE 



Marie. Polly, am I out of my head? I walked a long 

way in the sun this afternoon 3 maybe Oh, some 

of us must be crazy ! 

Pauline. No, he said 

Makie. Who said ? 

Pauline. Mr. Barnes said that your father had done some- 
thing splendid for old Mr. Merrifield, years ago, and 
he's been hunting for you ever since to repay it. 

Marie {ajigri/y). Does he call this repaying it ? 

Pauline. Isn't it romantic? Mr. Barnes said 

Marie. Polly, do you mean to say that those boys told 
you this in dead earnest ? 

Pauline. Of course. It is serious to them. They don't 
want to walk home. 

Marie. Oh, don't they? They'll be lucky if they get off 
as easily as that. Did — did they laugh when they told 
you about it ? 

Pauline. No, indeed, they took it very hard. Especially 
Augustus — he looked positively miserable. 

Marie. Miserable ! 

Pauline. I don't think Augustus is so bad. Mr. Barnes 
says he's a regular heart smasher ! 

Marie. In Chicago, maybe ! 

Pauline. You can't expect him to shine when he's got the 
earache. {SitSy l.) 

Marie. He'll have something worse than earache when I 
get through with him 1 I — I've half a mind to make 
all three of them propose and scare them to death ! 

Pauline. Suppose he's only trying to get the money and 
is going to jilt you afterward ? 

Marie (standing near table, r. c). Polly ! 

Pauline. That Charlie Barnes has a wicked eye. 

Marie. Don't you worry. If there's any jilting done in 
this affair, it won't be done by Mr, Charles Barnes, or 
Mr, Augustus Merrifield, either. I feel as revengeful 
as Monte Cristo ! 

(^Enter Gus, r., and stands up c.) 

Gus. He's all right. Wants to apologize to Miss Went- 

worlh. 
Pauline. All right. Did— did he break much ? 
Gus. Only two chairs, a table and a china rabbit. {Exit 

25 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Pauline ai r., shaking her head doubtfully.) I say, 
did you see anything of a telegram around here ? 
Marie {dropping the telegram into the ivaste-basket near 
table^ R. c). A telegram ? No, indeed. 

{She turns from him ; picks up her hat frofu table.) 

Gus. I had it — not ten minutes ago. (Searches for it.) 

Makie ( going up L. ). Was it very important ? 

Gus {who is searching at r., but 7iow stopping!; at once). 

Oh, no, indeed, not at all important ! Just a little 

matter of business. 
Marie. Oh ! 

{She picks up the vase with the fioivers from desk up L. 
Gus goes up to her.) 

Gus. Let me carry those up for you. 
Marie. Thanks, I won't trouble you. 
Gus {very sincerely). But it isn't troubling me. I'd like 
to do something for you. I 

{A triumphant look comes into her eyes ; she lets him take 
the vase ; their hands touch.) 

Marie. You're very kind. 

{Enter Berk, r.) 
Berk. Hullo! 

(Gus drops the vase, which breaks. He stands petrified^ 
while Berk dives for the flowers.) 

Gus. Ob, I beg your pardon ! 

Berk. See what yoil've done ! Clumsy brute, isn't he, 
Mrs, Varney ? May I have one ? 

Marie. Help yourself. 

Berk {puttitig one flower in his coat, hands her the rest ; 
turning to Gus). Pick up the pieces. (Gus gets 
doivn and mops up the floor ivith his handkerchief dis- 
gustedly.) Do you know, I can't get it into my head 
that you're a widow? 

Marie {coming down l.). No? 

Berk {following her down l.). You're so — well — so 
younp:, don't you know? 

Marie {laying hat and floiifers on sofa). I never heard 
that there was an age limit to widowhood. 
26 



LOOKING FOR BIAEY JANE 



Berk. Do you know a fortune-teller told me once that I 
was going to marry a widow — a young widow with blue 
eyes? 

(Gus grunts.) 

Marie (sitting L. ) . Real 1 y ? 

Berk {to Gus). You'd better get rid of that mess. 

(Exit Gus at c, angrily, carrying the broken glass.) 

Marie. Fortune-tellers say funny things sometimes, don't 

they ? 
Berk. I don't see anything funny about that. 
Marie. Don't you? I do; awfully funny. 
Berk. I say, don't look at me like that — I left my blue 

glasses at home. 
Marie. You should have brought them. There's a good 

deal of glare in this town. 
Berk. I shan't mind. I can stand a lot of sunshine. 
Marie. That's because you're an artist. They all love 

sunshine and color. 
Berk (looking into her eyes). Especially blue. I'm dippy 

about blue. 
Marie. It's a color one tires of very quickly. 
Berk. Not I. I have a very constant nature. 
Marie. Mr. Barnes told Polly that you were a heart 

smaslier. 
Berk. Oh, of course, if you're going to swallow everything 

Charh'e Barnes says 

Marie. Then you're not ? 

Berk. I say, I wish you'd let me prove that I'm not. Why, 

if I were engaged to a girl like you 

Marie. Yes? 

Berk. Well, you could do anything: you wanted to with 

me — that's all. Will you try me ? 
Marie. Isn't it just a bit sudden ? 
Berk. All real love is sudden. Look at Romeo and 

what's her name ! 
Marie. I've half a mind to. 

(S/?e rises as Charles enters, r. Charles eonies do7vn r.) 

Berk. Bully ! {Sees Charles and takes the hat and 
flowers.) Allow me. 

27 



LOOKING FOR 3TARY JANE 



(Ettfer Gus a/ c. He comes down l. Beuk and Marie 
go up c.) 

Marie {with raised finger y a la Monte Crisio'). One ! 

(^Exit Marie and Berk at l., the other two staring 
wrathfully,') 

Charles. Can you beat that ? 

Gus. I'll be hanged if I stand for any more of Berk's non- 
sense. We've got to tell that girl the truth. 

Charles. Now, look here, Gus, play the game. 

Gus. I'm going to. It's not fair to a nice girl to put up a 
job like this on her. I'd rather walk home. 

Charles. I believe you're right. Let's tell her the truth, 
and take the wind out of Berk's sails. 

Gus. All right. You see her after dinner and make a 
clean breast of the whole affair. 

Charles. I? Not on your life ! It wasn't my father sent 
that blamed telegram. 

Gus. By the way, what did you do with that telegram ? 

Charles. It's around here somewhere; 1 had it a minute 
ago. 

(^He begins to look for it on the table and around the room,) 

Gus. That's your criminal carelessness. Suppose some- 
body else finds it? 

Charles. Well, if you're going to confess {Finds 

telegram in the basket.) Here it is — that's luck ! 

Gus {do7vn L.). I'll be hanged if 1 will ! I say, Charlie, 
let's let Berk tell her. 

Charles {down c). Yes, he's so likely to. He's going 
to make love to that widow and marry her. 

Gus. You — you don't think that, do you? 

Charles. Whose fault will it be if he does? Why don't 
you tell her 

Gus. Charlie, I couldn't look into that girl's eyes and tell 
her what a cad I've been ; there's something about her, 
something different from other girls, something 

{Enter Gladys at c, 7i)ith a card. She hands it to Gus.) 

Gladys. A swell blonde to see you. 
Gus. To see me ? 

Gladys. She wants Mr. Berkeley Crane. 

28 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Charles (^ow^ r.). Ahem! 

Gus. Oh, yes, of course. Show her in. (ExU Gladys 
ate. Gus reads car^. £/?Ur Berk at l.) Madame 
Carlita Romagna Schultz ! {^Hands card to Berk an- 
grily.) What does this mean ? 

Berk {liown c). Why, it's the young lady we met on the 
train ! 

Gus {liown L.). The young lady you met on the train ! 

Berk. Well, it's not my fault if I'm the only fellow in the 
crowd that's gentleman enough to help a poor girl out 
of a tight place. 

Charles {down r.). What does she want? 

Berk. I suppose she's dropped in to thank me for obliging 
her in that little matter of the trunk, but it may be that 
she's going to offer me a position in the company. 

Charles. K°™P^"y' 

Berk. Yes, she's an opera singer ; didn't you hear that 

lunatic talking about her ? 
Gus. Great Scott ! 

( Enter Carlita Romagna Schultz at c. She runs down 
to Berk at c.) 

Carlita. Oh, there you are, you mischief maker 

Berk. Me? 

Carlita. You meddler — you — oh, how can you look me 
in the face after what you've done? 

Charles. More artistic temperament ! 

Bekk. My dear Madame Schultz 

Carlita. Don't you '* dear madame " me, you — you viper I 
What have you done with my trunk? 

Berk. I haven't done anything with it. I 

Carlita. I'm so unnerved — so exhausted — I shall never 
be able to sing to-morrow, and Gustave will be so 
angry! Where is the check, stupid? The trunk 
check ? Can't any of you speak ? Are you all dumb ? 
What have you done with it ? 

(Berk goes l., searching through his pockets wildly!) 

Charles. Well, where's the trunk check ? That's easy. 
Berk. Why, I had it — I'm sure I had it — on the train. I 
— I — why, I must have lost it. (Carlita gives a pierc- 
29 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



ing shriek and faints into the armchair. Gus and 
Chakles rush to her. Enter Pauline, r.) Great 
gnns, fan her, somebody ! Drop a key down her back 
— do something ! 

Pauline {coming downi..). What in the world 

Bkkk (going to her). Hush, not a word — it's Madame 
Schultz. She came here to see Paddington about the 
opera, you know, his opera 

Pauline. But what is the matter with her? 

Bekk. I don't know. {^Darkly.) 1 think it's a fit ! 

Pauline. Oh ! 

Bekk. Go up-stairs, like a good girl, and keep him from 
coming down. If he were to see her in his present 
frame of mind, he'd probably have a fit too. (^He 
pushes her up toward the door, r.) We'll take her 
home. You go up and turn the key on him. 

(^Exit Pauline, r. ; Berk mops his brow as he comes 
down c.) 

Carlita {lifting her head and bursting into tears). You 

have lost it ! 1 am ruined — ruined — ruined ! 
Berk. Crescendo non diminuendo ! 
Gus. Don't feel so badly. We'll be glad to replace the 

contents of the trunk if it's lost. 
Carlita {laughing hysterically). P^ei)lace it? No one 

could replace what was in that trunk ! 
Berk. She's off again ! 

Carlita. Do you know what was in that trunk? 
Berk. You said it was your operatic wardrobe. 
Carlita. Listen — I'll tell you everything — all of it ! 
Charles. Half of it will probably finish us. 
Carlita. You've heard of smuggling Chinamen across 

from Mexico ? There was a Chinaman in that trunk. 
Berk {sinking into chair). Gosh! 
Gus. A — a live Chinaman ? 
Charles. How'd he get there ? 
Carlita. I — I went into debt down in Mexico for some 

lace and things 

Charles. Never mind the debts, get to the Chinaman. 
Carlita. My Cousin John lives in Chiahuahua, and he 

smuggles them over sometimes. He offered me two 

hundred dollars if I'd let him get one across in my 

trunk. Oh, what will Gustave say? 

30 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Charles. But the customs 

Carlita. Cousin John fixed the customs man. 

Berk. Would you mind telling me where 1 come into this 

story ? 
Carlita. I — I got scared, and I — 1 didn't want the trunk 

to be found on my ticket. 
Berk. Why didn't you ask Gustave to do it ? 
Carlita (/« asto?iish7?ient). Expose my beloved Gustave 

to such danger ? Never ! 
Berk. Oh ! 
Gus {crossings, to Berk). I hope in the future you'll have 

sense enough not to speak to people on the train. 
Berk. I didn't speak to her ; she spoke to me. She asked 

me to open the window for her. (^Boys groan.) Didn't 

you? 

(Carlita bursts into tears.) 

Gus. Oh, never mind that ; let's get down to business. 
What are we going to do about that trunk ? 

Charles. The only thing I can think of is to send for 
Cousin John. 

Carlita. What will Gustave say ? 

Berk. I know what 1 hope he'll say ! 

Gus. Look here, fellows, if that check is lost they can't 
connect us with the trunk, or Madame Schultz, either. 

Charles. That's so. Berk, for once in your life you've 
done the right thing. 

Carlita (Jo Charles). Do you really think I am safe? 
Oh, you darling ! (^Throivs her arms around him ex- 
citedly ; he tries to dodge her.) Bless you a thousand 
times for thinking so. Now I can sing " Carmen " to- 
morrow night with a clear conscience. I have been so 
upset. I shall give myself the pleasure of sending you 
a box for the performance. Adios, my friends, adios ! 

{She sails out at C.) 

Berk {shakifig his fist at her). Don't trouble yourself; 

we'll probably be in the penitentiary by to-morrow 

night. 
Charles. Nonsense. Everything's going all right. Just 

as soon as we get that wire off to Gus's father 

Gus (angrily). No, T tell you, I 

(^Enier Paddington at r., wildly.) 
31 



LOOKING FOR 3IARY JANE 



Paddington. Where is she ? Where is she ? I heard her 

voice — there is no other like it in the world. Where 

have you hidden her ? 
Charles. Here's the other one ! 
Berk. Hidden her? I haven't hidden her. She's gone 

home, and I hope to goodness she'll stay there. I 

don't want to see her again. 

(^Enter Pauline, r.) 

Paddington {coining down l.). I will see her ! I 

Pauline {coming down c). Stop ! Don't you dare have 

a fit in here ! 
Paddington. 1 will have a fit ! I'll kill somebody — I 

will 

(^He grabs a chair and threatens Bekk ivith it, Pauline 
screams.^ 

Charles. Go up-stairs — we'll attend to him. You can't 

do anything. 
Pauline. He'll kill some one ! 
Gus {catchitig him, wrenches the chair from him). No, he 

won't. Drop that ! 

(Paddington frees himself ; dashes up stage.) 

Paddington. I will go after her I I won't be treated like 
a child ! Out of my way 

(^He crashes into Gustave Schultz, fust entering at C, 
and disappears. Schultz glares after him.) 

Schultz. Pig! Vere iss Madame Schultz? Vere she 
iss ? {Approaches Berk threateningly.) You haf lured 
her here — now you haf her hidden. I am her husband 
— I demand to see her ! 

Pauline. Oh, what does he menn? 

Bekk. I don't know what he means, and 1 don't care. 

Schultz {coming doivn c. ). I know you. You haf force 
your acquaintance upon her on ze train. 

Berk. Forced ? Ha I 

Pauline. Who are you ? 

Schultz. 1 ? Madame, I am Guslave Schultz, manager 
of the Schultz Grand Opera Company. This person — 
he haf kidnapped mein vife. 

32 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Pauline. Oh ! 

ScHULTZ. She iss here. Don't deny it. I haf the address 
got what she to the taxi driver gave. Gif me my 
Carlita at vonce. 

Gus. Your wife left five minutes ago. She's home by 
this time. 

ScHULTZ. You admit it ? She has been here ? 

Charles. She came to see that composer chap who just 
went out — Paddington — about an opera he's written. 

SCHULTZ. That was him? That was ze infernal Pad- 
dington who drive me crazy for a year mit his con- 
founded opera? 

Boys. Yes. 

ScHULTZ. Ha, let me hold of him vonce get I I vill 
murder hiin. He haf made my life a burden for a 
year. Efery time I look 1 see a copy of his opera my 
nose under ! Und he tries now mein vife to make lofe 
to. Thank you, gentlemen ; forgive my mistake. I 
vill send you a box for the opera to-morrow night to 
hear my Carlita sing. {Rushes off, c.) 

Charles. There'll be one artistic temperament missing by 
morning. 

Pauline. 1 hope they won't meet. Mr. Paddington is so 
excitable. 

Berk. Well, believe me, he hasn't anything on Gustave. 

Pauline. Will you go up and see the rooms now ? 

(Gus and Charles />/V/C' up hats and suit- cases.) 

Charles. Do we — er — dine soon ? 

Pauline {starting i..). At six. This way, please. 

(Gus follows. Charles turns to Berk, who has put on 
his hat.') 

Charles. Where are you going ? 

(Gus and Pauline exeunt, L.) 

Berk. Out to wire old Merrifield that Gus has married 
Mary Jane, and ask for funds for the honeymoon. I'm 
going to California; this town's too lively for me. 

{He dashes out at c. Exit Charles after Gus and 
Pauline, l.) 

CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — Same settings about an hour later. The lights 
are lit and Pauline is seated , c, reading a news- 
paper. 

Pauline. " Street car employees strike. Traffic sus- 
pended in down-town district. Rioters smash cars 
and store windows ! " Oh, dear, I hope none of them 
come here I 

{Enter Gladys at c, with telegram.) 

Gladys. Telegram for Mr. Merri field. 

Pauline {taking it ). I'll give it to him when he comes in. 

Gladys (l. c). Say, would you mind if 1 knocked off 

work this evenin' and went out to see the fireworks and 

the parade? They're goin' to be swell ! 
Pauline. It's not safe for a girl to be out on the streets at 

night with all these strikers. 
Gladys. I ain't goin' with none of them strikers; Pm 

goin' with a gentleman friend. {Co7ifidentially .) He's 

the cop on this beat. 
Pauline. He'd better be minding his business and not 

going around to parades with the city in such a state. 

What are the police for, anyhow? 
Gladys. Well, lots of folks have been askin* theirselves 

that for some time. 
Pauline. Besides, I can't spare you when the house is so 

full. 
Gladys. Oh, all right ! 

{She flounces out at r. as Marie enter s^ l. She is dressed 
in a pretty evening dress.^ 

Marie {coining doian c). Polly, see if you can land that 

hook ; Pve been fishing for it for h;df an hour. 
Pauline {rising). Going out to dinner? 

{She fastens gown.^ 

Marie. Well, it rather depends on Charlie. 

34 



LOOKING FOB 31 A BY JANE 



Pauline. Charlie? 

Makie. Or Berkeley or Augustus. I haven't made up my 

mind which is to have the pleasure. I'm getting a bit 

tired of Augustus. 
Pauline. Marie Varney, do you mean to say that you're 

in earnest about fooling those poor boys? 
Marie. Why not? Aren't they in earnest about fooling 

me? Did you observe Augustus' work this afternoon? 

Neat, wasn't it? 

Pauline. But 

Marie. Now, don't be soft-hearted, Polly. Those boys 

need a lesson, and something tells me I'm the one to 

give it to them. {Starts up l.) 

Pauline. Of course, if you've made up your mind 

Makie {iurniu^^. Polly, do you know that Berkeley Crane 

isn't so bad ? I could rather like him if he wasn't 

mixed up in this. 
Pauline. I prefer Augustus. I like a man who can talk. 

But Mr. Crane has — well — a sincere look, I think. 
Mai^ie. Sincere I They're all steeped in deceit, every one 

of them ! 

{Exit, L. Pauline goes up l. to the desk ; sits.) 

{Elder Berk at c.) 

Pauline. Here's another telegram for you, Mr. Merri- 

field. 
Berk {taking it and coming down q.). Thank you. 

(Zr<? tears it open, sees it addressed to Gus, pauses. Paul- 
ine in the meantime is writitigy when Gladys enters 
at c.) 

Gladys. There's a trunk outside for Mr. Crane. 

Bkkk {dropping the telegram). What ! 

Pauijne. Well, have it taken up-stairs. 

Berk {wildly). No, you mustn't — it shan't go up-stairs ! 

{The women stare at him in atnazement.) 

Pauline. Not go upstairs ? But 



Berk {clutching Gladys by the arm). Did it look very 
heavy ? 



35 



LOOKING FOB 3IABY JANE 



Gladys. Well, if you'd heard the language of that ex- 
pressman 1 They ain't got no refinement. 1 was that 
embarrassed ! 

Pauline, 'lell him to bring it in here. 

Gladys. All right. 

{^Exit at c.) 

Pauline (rising). How kind-hearted of you not to want 
the poor man to carry it up-stairs ! 

Bekk {down R.). Oh, yes, that's what's the matter with 
me ! Pm a darn sight too kind-hearted ! {Enter 
Gladys and Expressman ivith a very large trunk 
on his back. Pauline up l. ; Berk turns on Ex- 
pressman savagely.') Don't you drop that! (l^ie 
trunk sways, slips ; Expressman tries to catch it. Jt 
falls y striking his foot on the way. Pauline and 
Gladys put their hands to their ears. Expressman 
springs into the air with a torrent of violent exclama- 
tions. Berk, ze'/V^/y.) Now you've done it ! Get out 
of here ! Go and hunt a doctor — go — go anywhere ! 
You don't know what you've done ! 

Expressman. Well, where's de check ? 

Bekk. You don't get any check — Pve lost it — take this 
and clear out ! Git ! ( Gives him a tip.) 

Expressman. Well, I ain't goin' to lift that trunk no more 
widout help, that's sure. I'll report about the check, 
and let de office settle it. You'll hear from 'em. 

Berk. Hear from 'em? You bet I'll hear from 'em. I 
don't have to be a mind reader to know that. 

PaU[JNE. Oh, what is the matter ? 

Berk {sitting ^. c, a7id wiping his broiv). Matter? Pve 
had bad news — that's what's the matter. 

Pauline. Bad news? Oh, I hope nobody's going to die? 

Berk. I hope not, but I have my doubts. 

Pauline {coming down r.). Is it a relative? 

Bekk {looking at trunk). A relative ? Great Scott, no. 

Pauline {putting her hand on his shoulder). Then you 
must cheer up, and remember that it might be worse. 

Berk. Nothing could be worse than what's happened to 
me — nothing ! You'd better go away and leave me — 
I'm upset — I'm likely to say most anything ! 

Pauline {scared, going up r.). Oh ! 

{Exit, R. hEKK picks up the telegram.) 

'^6 



LOOKING FOR 3IARY JANE 



Berk. Old Merrifield again, I suppose. Probably wants 
us to get a divorce now. Hullo, it's from his secre- 
tary ! [Reads.) "Father arriving to-night at 5 : 30. 
Meet him. Travis." {Drops telegram.) Meet him? 
Not unless he sees me first ! And it's six now ! {^ Phone 
rings. He hesitates, then goes to it, up i..) Hello? 
What? Already? This — this is a delightful surprise, 
Mr. Merrifield. Yes, this is Berk. Gus'll be 'round in 
the morning to see you. What? Oh, no, you mustn't 
come here to-night ! Not by a darn sight ! I mean, I 
hope you won't. Why, well, I don't want to worry 
you — you mustn't be alarmed, you know, but — well — 
the fact is, there's smallpox in the house. Yes, we'll 
be over in the morning. Good-bye. [Hangs up re^ 
ceiver,) If we're not doing time I 

(^Cojnes doivn L. c. to trunk, tries lock angrily.) 

{Enter Gus and Charles, l.) 

Charles. I tell you it's your affair. Hullo 

{He pauses — Gus rushes down L. c.) 

Gus. Great Guns, is it 

Bkkk {down c). Yes, it is. 

Charles {coming down l.). But you said you'd lost the 
check ? 

Berk {going r. ). I said I'd forgotten what I'd done with 
it. I remember now ; I gave it to the expressman. 

Gus {picking up the telegram). What's this? 

Berk (r.). Little billet doux from your father's secretary. 
Your father arrived in town here an hour ago. I 
'phoned him there was smallpox in the house. 

Gus (c). Holy Moses ! {Reads telegram.) 

Charles (l.). Cheer up, Gus, we'll stand by you — we're 
your friends. 

Berk {savagely). He doesn't want friends — he wants con- 
federates. 

Gus {waving the telegram). We've got to get rid of that 
Chinaman. 

Berk. How're you going to get rid of him ? Hide him 
under the bed or murder him ? 

Charles. We've got to open the trunk. 

Berk. You're a brilliant youth, aren't you? Perhaps 
you've got the key up your sleeve? 

37 



LOOKING FOE 3IABY JANE 



Charles. There are ways of opening trunks without keys. 
(He seizes paper knife from table and attacks the lock.') 

Gus. What are you going to do with him when you get 
him out? 

Charles. I'm going to chuck him in the coal bin till it's 
dark, and then I'm going to fire him out. 1 don't care 
if the police do get him. I'm not running an under- 
ground railway for Cliinainen. {^The knife breaks.') 

Gus. And in the meantime Dad may be swooping down on 
us any minute. I'm going out to get a chisel and bust 
that lock ! 

(Exit at c.) 

Berk (doivn r.). Look here, Charlie, do you know much 
about the Chinese ? 

Charles. No, and I don't want to. 

Berk {drawing him down c). You've heard of High- 
binders? Fellows who hide in the alley and knife you 
when you go by ? 

Charles {jmeasily). Well? 

Bkkk. Suppose we've drawn a Highbinder? 

Charles. What ! 

Berk. I tell you, it's not fair to the women in the house to 
open that trunk without a gun in lh« party. Suppose 
he takes us for the police and attacks us? 

Charles. Attacks us? 

Berk. We can't explain to him that we're trying to help 
him, because we can't speak his language. 

Charles. That's so. Here we are, crammed to suffoca- 
tion wiUi Latin and Greek, and totally unable to cope 
with the first life problem we meet, all for the lack of a 
little useful Chinese. 

Berk. I'll skip out and buy a gun. You stay here and 
keep the people of the house from meddling with the 
trunk. 

{Exity R.) 

Charles. I don't care much for this. Suppose Merrifield 
comes while they're gone? Suppose the police have 
got wind of it? Why should 1 be the one to take all 
the risk? He wasn't checked on my ticket. 

(Enter Marie, l., lier hat 07i, carrying her gloves.) 

38 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE ' 



Makie. Oh, Mr. Barnes, I thought you were at dinner ! 

Charles (^/^ze/w c). No, I seldom eat dinner. I — I 

Marie {coming down l.). Seldom eat dinner? How 

queer ! 
Charles. Yes, it is odd, isn't it? The fact is, the family 

think I'm getting too stout, so 

Marie. Oh, how can they think that ? Why, I think you 

have such a good figure. 
Charles. Do you? 
Marie {down l.). Yes. 
Charles. It's awfully good of you to say so, but I'm afraid 

you're kidding me. 
Marie {sitting). I never do that, Mr. Barnes. I suppose 

I'm one of the most sincere people in the world. 
Charles {draiuing nearer). I'm glad of that. I admire 

honesty more than any other quahty. 
Marie. One sees very little of it nowadays. 
Charles {with an unconscious glance toward the trunk). 

Darned little. You're going out to dinner ? 
Marie. Yes, I seldom dine here. There's a little Chi- 



nese 



Charles. What ? 

Marie. Why, what's the matter? 

Charles. Nothing— nothing at all. You were saying? 

Marie. A little Chinese restaurant where I sometimes 

dine. 1 lead a very lonely life, Mr. Barnes. 
Charles. I say, that's a shame. I wish 1 lived in this 

town. 
Marie. It's so poky going to a restaurant alone. 
Charles. I'm not at all sure that you ought to go alone. 

I wouldn't like my sister to do it. 
Marie. Oh, but your sister isn't a lonely young widow 

with no one to be kind to her. 
Charles. It's a shame. I wish I could take you to 

dinner. 
Marie. But you never dine. 
Charles. I would— for you, but I promised the boys to 

wait here for them. 
Marie. Don't they dine either? 
Charles {aside). Oh, yes. Tliey'U probably dine and 

leave me to watch the brute. 
Marie. Watch what? 
Charles. A— a telegram Gus is expecting. 

39 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Marie. Come on and go to dinner with me. We'll leave 
a nice little note telling them where we've gone; then 
afterward we'll all go and see the fireworks. I'll write 
the note. (^She goes up l. to desk and writes.) 

Charles (gloomily). There'll be fireworks enough 'round 
here when they get that note. 

Marie (cojuitig down l.). Where shall we put it so they'll 
be sure to see it ? 

Charles. You might lay it on the trunk. 

Marie {doing so). It's so good of you to take pity on my 
loneliness — Charlie. 

Charles ( giving up all hope). Not a bit of it. I'm the 
luckiest chap in this town. 

Marie {aside y as they go out c). Two 1 

{Exeunt bothy c.) 

{Enter Berk, hurriedfyy at r. He is concealing something 
under his coat, which is buttoned tightly.) 

Berk. I say, Charlie? Hullo, I'll bet a dollar that duf- 
fer's lit out for the dining-room ! 

{Unbuttons coaty takes out large revolver y lays it on table.) 
{Enter Gladys at r.) 

Gladys. Miss Pauline says if you fellows think this here's 
the Waldorf Astoria, meals served at all hours, you'd 
better get hep to yourselves and wake up. 

Berk {down r.). Tell her I've got the earache and can't 
eat 1 

Gladys. Oh, all right I 

{Exity R.) 
(Gus rushes in at c.) 

Berk. Well, did you get it ? 

Gus (coming down l., and producing chisel). Yes; where's 
Charlie ? 

Berk. Ducked, evidently. See that cop on the corner ? 

Gus. Yes, he was there when we came this afternoon. 
You don't think -^ — 

Berk. Yes, 1 do. I think Cousin John's been talking. 

We've no time to lose. {Hands gun to Gus, takes 

chisel himself, goes to trunk.) You keep him covered 

while 1 break the lock. {Sees letter.) Hullo, what's 

40 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



this? (Reads.) *' Dear Mr. Merrifield and Mr. 

Crane: — Please don't be angry with Charlie. 1 coaxed 

him to take me out to dinner. Mary Jane Varney." 

Charlie ! 
Gus { furiously y walking up and down). Confound his 

impudence ! 1 won't stand it ! 
Berk. What 1 like about that girl is her sense of humor. 

The idea of anybody's having to coax Charlie to go to 

dinner is rich. 
Gus. 1 wouldn't have believed it of her. 
Berk. Well, the game's up, anyhow. If your father sees 

her, he'll give us away, sure. 
Gus. He won't give me away. I won't have him telling 

her that I've deceived her. I'll do it myself first. 
Berk. That's the idea. It's everything, the way you tell 

a girl things. 
Gus. I wish I wasn't so darned afraid of her. Look here, 

Berk, suppose you 

Berk. Nothing doing. I'm perfectly satisfied with the 

way the affair's going. 
Gus. You've no business to be satisfied. Suppose she 

falls in love with you ? 
Berk. Well, I shan't mind. I consider her a most at- 
tractive young person. 
Gus. No one but a cad wants a woman to fall in love with 

him when he can't marry her. 
Berk. Who said I couldn't marry her? 
Gus. You did. You said you couldn't afford to keep a dog. 
Berk. Well, I'm not thinking of keeping a dog. 1 haven't 

a doubt that Mary Jane will dispose of Caruso if I ask 

her to. 
Gus. Do you mean to say that you'd marry her and live 

on her money ? 
Berk. Well, you'd hardly expect us to live on mine, 

would you ? 

Gus. I'd rather be hung than look into those eyes and 

Berk. Well, you've got an awfully good chance of being 

hung right here in this town if we don't do something 

pretty quick with his nibs there. Come on, I'm going 

to bust it. (^Puts chisel under the lock. Gus, still 

ihifiking of Mary Jane, levels the pistol at Berk.) 

Look here, I'm not the guy you're supposed to be 

covering, you know. 

41 



LOOKING FOR 3IARY JANE 



Gus {changifig position, and creeping up on the trunk). 

Go on, I've got liiui. 
Berk {eyei?ig him disgustedly). You've got a very clumsy 

way with a gun. Give it to me. 
Gus. All right. 

{Tliey change places. Berk takes pistol, and Gus the 
chisel.) 

Berk. One — two 

Gus {at trunk). Hold on a minute. He's been awfully 
quiet, Berk. Suppose he's died on our hands? 

Berk. He's not dead ! He shan't be dead ! I won't 
stand it ! 

Gus. Well, suppose he is? 

Berk {shaking his fist at trunk). If he's dead, he goes 
into the coal bin, and I skip the town. I tell you any 
Highbinder who gets himself checked on my ticket and 
dies on my hands does it at his peril. Go ahead. 
One — two — three 

{The lock bursts. At the same instant, Pauline, carrying 
a hot- water bag, appears at r. Gus drops chisel back 
of trunk. Berk hides the pistol under his coat.) 

Pauline {coming down R.). Oh, Mr. Merrifield, I'm so 

sorry about your poor ear. Maybe this will relieve it. 

{To Gus.) Won't you go in to dinner and let me slay 

with him ? 

Gus. I — why, I'm afraid I 

Pauline. Do. I'm a very good nurse. 

Berk {doivn i..). He can't ! He 

Gus. Since you insist, I'll go just for a few minutes. I 

shouldn't like to leave him longer. I'm very much 

worried about him. 

(Exit, R. Berk shakes his fist at him.) 

Pauline {standing back of the armchair, r. c). Come 

here and let me put it on your ear. 
Berk {approaching nervously). Is — is it very hot ? 
Pauline. It's just right. Sit down. 

{Claps it on his ear ; he jumps up 7vildly, revolver in 
hand. Pauline screams, runs away from him, tip l.) 

Berk {rubbing his ear). Hold on — don't be scared 

42 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Pauline. Oh, I didn't realize that you were as desperate 
as that ! No wonder he didn't want to leave you 
alone ! Give it to me. (^Comes down k.) 

Berk. No, I can't. I might need it. 1 

Pauline {back of chair). Need it? (He groans.) Good 
heavens, do you feel as bad as that ? 

(She comes to him^ and though evidently afraid of the pistol^ 
rubs his ear tenderly.) 

Berk. It's better now. No, don't stop. Quite a lot bet- 
ter. {Pause.) Gosh, 1 wish your name was Mary 
Jane. 

Pauline {primly). Don't be foolish. Will you try the 
bag again ? 

Berk. Not on your life ! {Pause.) I say, Miss Pauline, 
you're a clever girl — how long do you suppose it takes 
a fellow to die of suffocation ? 

Pauline {stops rubbing). What an odd question ! I 
should think a quarter of an hour, wouldn't you? 

Berk. Oh, Lord ! 

Pauline {rubbing again^ soothingly). There, there, seems 
to me I've read that it usually takes about that long 
when they hang men. 

Berk. Hang 'em? 

Pauline, Do sit still. How can I rub your ear if you 
wriggle round like that? Any better? 

Berk. I'm as well as I'll ever be, I guess. 

Pauline. Nonsense. You'll be all right when you've had 
your dinner. Come on. 

Berk. I'd like to — 1 should really — but I — well, I've got 
to unpack the trunk. 

Pauline. Unpack ? Oh, I'll help you do that. 

Berk {rising). You can't. I've lost the key. 

Pauline. How careless of you ! I'll bet I can open it with 
a hairpin. {Starts L., toward trunk.) 

Berk {savagely). Not on your life ! 

Pauline. Mr. Merrifield I 

Berk. Don't you touch that trunk. It's infected. 

Pauline. Infected! What with? 

Berk. Measles. They're all over Mexico. I told the 
boys we'd no business to bring it here. 

Pauline {down l.). I'm not afraid of measles. The doc- 
tor said I couldn't have them again. 

43 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Berk. Of course if you want to risk your life on purely cir- 
cumstantial evidence 

(Pauline goes to trunk ; Berk drops into chair afid gives a 
long anguished groan.) 

Pauline. Oh, don't — please don't ! You frighten me so. 

Oh, dear, what shall 1 do? (^Comes back to him.) If 

you don't drop that gun and come in to dinner with me, 

1 shall summon the police. 
Berk (jumping up a7id dropping pistol on table). The 

police? Great Scott ! What do you want to do that 

for? I'll go to dinner with you, of course. It might 

do me good. (Goes r.) 
Pauline {going r. and picking up the hot-water bag). 

Of course it will. Lean on me. 

(Exeunt, r.) 

(Enter Paddington at c.) 

Paddington (despondently). Out again ! I shall never 
see her — never ! (He sniffs contemptuously.) Din- 
ner. They can eat — these plodding souls who know 

nothing of music, while I (He clenches his fists.) 

But she shall not triumph over me like this. 1, too, 
will eat. No woman shall boast that she has taken 
away the appetite of Ambrose Paddington. 

(Enter Wing Tu, c.) 

Wing Tu (with a polite grin). Me likee gettee littee bill 

paid. {Waves paper.) 
Paddington (/// r.). Now, look here, didn't I tell you 

last week that your bill should be paid as soon as the 

opera was produced ? 
Wing Tu. Oh, yes, you tellee me that — two, three times. 
Paddington. Then what do you mean by coming round 

here and annoying me? You go back to the laundry, 

and as soon as I begin to draw my royalties, I'll settle 

your bill, and send you seats — maybe. 

(He rushes off, R.) 

Wing Tu (wistfully). Me wish he write movee picture 
show. Me likee gettee bill paid. Me sit here 
till after dinner. Maybe he changee mind. No 
changee mind, no changee shirt. (He sits, down L., 

44 



LOOKING FOR 3IABY JANE 



then sees Berk's pistol on table, goes R. C, picks it upy 
handles it admiringly. Rises, takes a step or two 
down C, aims pistol toward L.) Velly plitty gun. 
(^Enter Bekk, r. ; sees WingTu, whose back is toward 
him ; looks at him in horror. Stoops, removes his 
shoes, and tiptoes out again, r. WmG Tv, placidly.) 
Me buy one of him some day. Allee samee Melican 
hold-up man. Make lots of money. Smugglee wife 
and seven children over from China. 

(^Enter Berk, r., leading Gus.) 

Berk (//i a hollow whisper). There's your dead High- 
binder ! 
Gus. Golly, he's a whale ! 
Berk. Catch him round the feet while I grab the gun ! 

{They creep down on the unconscious Wing Tu, grab him, 
throw hi?n to floor, down l., disarm him. He strug- 
gles frantically, bursting into a torretit of chattering, 
bark' like syllables.) 

Gus. Here, keep still, you 1 We're your friends. We're 

not going to hurt you. 

Berk. We're trying to save you from the police, and 

Wing Tu {with a squeak of horror). Police ? 

Berk. Yes, there's a cop right now on the corner. 

Now 

Wing Tu ( getting to knees). Copper waitee for me ? Me 

come back 'nother time. 
Gus. No, you won't come back. You're not going to get 

away till that cop takes his eye off this house. ( To 

Berk.; Is that a closet ? 
Berk {opening the door up l.). Yes. Let's dump him in 

there till it's dark ; then one of us can go for a taxi and 

get him away from here. 
Gus. All right. Come on, John. (Wing Tu bursts into 

a torrent of angry words as they force him into the 

closet.) If you make a racket, that policeman will be 

down on you in a jiffy. Sabe? 
Wing Tu {brokenly). Me no likee taxi cabbee. Him 

gettee too much run in. Me go back and washee 

shirts. 

{They push him and lock the door on him.) 
45 



LOOKING FOB 3IARY JANE 



Gus. There— I'll go and get the taxi. If Charlie turns up 
while I'm gone, you give him the deuce. 

Beuk {coming down L. C, atid ihrowi?ig pistol on sofa). 
Don't you worry about Charlie's turning up. He's got 
a dinner to eat and a pretty woman to talk to. He's 
good for four hours yet. 

Gus {angrily). I only wish I knew the address of that girl 
in Chicago I {Darts off, C.) 

Bekk. i don't. I've seen enough of girls to last me the 
rest of my life. For two cents I'd take the next train 
out of here. {Takes out some change.) That's just 
about the extent of my capital, too. {Enter Carmta, 
at c. She rushes down to him and grabs him by the 
shoulder. He goes to pieces cotnpletely.) Here, what's 
the matter? Oh, it's you, is it? 

Carlita. Yes. I had to come back. I was afraid to face 
Gustave. 

Bekk. Don't you know any better than to come up behind 
a chap and collar him like that? 1 tliought you were 
the police. 

Carlita. Police? 

Beuk {down l.). Yes. There's a man watching the house 
now. Your baggage has come. (Caklita sees the 
trunk, drops into chair, R. C, and bursts into tears.) 
Don't ! Please don't ! You'll have the whole house 
in here in a minute ! Madame Schultz, 1 beseech you ! 

(Carlita searches 7vildly in her vanity box for a handker- 
chief, finds none ; Berk thrusts his into her hand. She 
wipes her eyes.) 

Carlita. You said you'd lost the check ! Oh, how can 
you tell such dreadful lies? 

Berk. I don't know ; they seem to come naturally to me 
when I'm in trouble. If you don't stop crying the land- 
lady's niece will be in here. 

Carlita. What do 1 care about the landlady's niece? 

Beuk {savagely). The next time I open a window for a 
girl, I hope it falls on my head and kills me ! 

Carlita. I was so happy before I listened to Cousin John ! 

Berk. We were all happy before you listened to Cousin 
John. Don't you know that the less you listen to your 
relatives, the better ? 

Carlita {jumping up). But why are we wasting time like 

46 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



this ? He must be gotten rid of. The trunk must be 

opened. 
Berk. The trunk's been opened. He's in there. {Points 

to closet.^ Gus has gone after a taxi to take him away. 
Carlita. You can't take him away with that horrible 

pohceman at the door. 
Berk. Now, look here, I'm not going to slug that police- 
man just to please you. 
Carlita. Then tell him to go and drink himself to death. 
Berk. If you think he can drink himself to death on two 

nickels and a Canada dime 

Carlita (^pushing her vufiity box into his hand). Give 

him this. Oh, what will Gustave say ! 
Berk. I'll try him. (Picks up the pistol from sofa and 

hands it to her.) Keep your eye on the door, and if 

he breaks it open, blaze away at him. 

{Starts up stage. She runs after him.) 

Carlita. Mr. Crane — don't go away and leave me alone 

with him 1 
Berk {in exasperation). Don't call me Mr. Crane I 
Carlita {up l.). Berkeley, please don't go ! 
Berk {wildly). Don't call me that, either ! 
Carlita. But what shall I call you ? 
Berk. Call me '' Augustus," do you hear? " Augustus " ! 

(Zr<? rushes off at c. Carlita stares after him in terror.) 

Carlita. His mind's given way ! Why should anybody 
want to be called "Augustus"? (^Lays the pistol 071 
the table.) What's the use of a gun when you're afraid 
to shoot it ? Oh, I — I want to go home ! Oh ! 

{Enter John Merrifield at c. He looks a bit bewildered. 
Carlita stares at him in terror.) 

Merrifield. Good-evening. Am I addressing Mrs. Went- 
worth ? 

Carlita. Not — not exactly ! 

Merrifield. The niece, I presume? I am John Merri- 
field, of Chicago. I must see your aunt at once. 

Carlita. I — I 

Merrifield. She and I have had some correspondence, 
ma'am, about a little — well — a little private detective 
work that I've been having done lately. 

47 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Carlita {in horror). Detective work ? 

Merrifield. Is Augustus liere ? 

Carlita. Augustus ! Cousin John has given us away I 

Merrifield. 1 don't thinlc 1 understand. 

Carlita. What do you want of Augustus? 

Merrifield. What do I want of him ? Why, I want to 

get him away from this house, of course. He's in 

danger here — great danger, do you understand ? 
Carlita {tremblingly). Are you quite sure? 
Merrifield. Of course I'm sure. I came here the mo- 
ment 1 got the 'phone message, only stopping to be 

vaccinated. 
Carlita. Vaccinated? What good will that do? 
Merrifield. I don't know, but there seems to be a popular 

prejudice in favor of it. I want Augustus out of this 

house before the officers come. 
Carlita {coming down L.). The officers I 
Merrifield. Of course. This house will be quarantined 

for smallpox before morning, and I don't intend to 

have Augustus mixed up with it. 
Carlita {wringing her hands). Cousin John never said a 

word about his having smallpox ! 
Merrifield {coming down r.). Then your Cousin John 

has behaved very reprehensibly — very reprehensively, 

indeed ! 
Carlita. No wonder Augustus acted so queer ! 
Merrifield. Good heavens, woman, do you mean to tell 

me 

Carlita {ivildly). I don't mean to tell you anything 1 I 

mustn't tell you anything ! I 

Merrifield. If you'll tell me where to find Augustus 



Carlita. Oh, don't bother me about Augustus ! I've 
got all I can do to look after myself. He's dining 
out. 

Merrifield. Where? 

Carl.ita. Oh, I don't know — down the street somewhere. 
Oh, what will Gustave say? 

Merrifield. I know. I saw a restaurant just below as I 
came along. I'll drop in and get him. I'm obliged to 
you, ma'am. 

Carlita {faintly). Don't mention it ! {Exit Merri- 
field, c. She wrings her hands desperately.) I must 
get away from this place ! 



I LOOKING FOR 31 A BY JANE 



{Enter Paddington, r. He comes in cautiously , prepared 
to slide out L. and upstairs if Wing I'u is still there. 
He stops in amazement as he recognizes Carlita. 
Then rushes up to her and seizes her hands.) 

Paddington. Madame Schultz, at last ! Oh, how I have 

waited for this moment. 
Carlita {scared). Who are you ? 
Paddington {thumping his chest importantly). Who am 

1 ? 1 am Ambrose Paddington, composer of *'Euphro- 

syne," the opera that is going to revolutionize music! 
Carlita. Oh, you are a musician ? Listen ! Something 

awful is going to happen in this house in a few minutes, 

and you must protect me. 
Paddington. Madame, my life is at your service. May I 

take you home? 
Carlita. I can't go home. The police are after me. 
Paddington {in horror). The police? 
Carlita. Tai<e me to your studio. They'll never think 

of looking there. 
Paddington. At last she shall hear my music 1 You will 

listen ? 
Carlita. I'll listen to anything — anything — only get me 

away from here. 
Paddington. Madame, do not be afraid. I will save 

you, I swear it. 
Carlita. Oh, I've been such a reckless woman ! 
Paddington, Then you will be able to portray <<Euphro- 

syne." She embodies the last word in Art. She is a 

corker ! Come, my studio is down the hall. 
Carlita {as they go out at r.). Oh, what will Gustave 

say ! 

{Exeunt, R.) 

{Enter Gladys at c, hat and coat on arm.) 

Gladys. Well, any guy that thinks I'm goin' to spend my 
evenin' washin' dishes when there's a swell parade in 
town has got another guess comin*. {Crosses L., tak- 
ing off apron as she goes.) I'll just slip out, meet 
George, do a couple of pitcher shows, and see the fire- 
works. {Tries closet door, L. Paddington can be 
heard playing his opera, heavy chords at first, then a 
melody. Gladys finds door locked.) Well, if she 

49 



LOOKING FOB 3IARY JANE 



ain't locked it ! 'Fraid the desperate strikers'!! steal 
the family rubbers, I s'pose. Left the key outside, too. 
She's so brainy I 

(She opens the door. Wing Tu jumps out at her, Gladys 
screams J drops hat and coat and apron and bolts out R. 
Wing Tu stands a moment in perplexity, then picks up 
hat, coat and apron ; crosses cautiously.) 

Wing Tu. Me keep these till littee bill paid. Me no 
monkey with taxi cabbee — me no foolee with police- 
man — me go stlaight home. 

{Exit R., leaving closet door open.) 

(Enter Charles and Marie at c.) 

Marie. I hope the boys won't be very angry with you. 

Charles. I hope not. 

Marir. Do you think they will be? 

Charles. I've known them to get hot under the collar for 

less than this. 
Mart 15 {at stairs). You made me so happy when you said 

what you did over the salad 1 
Chart-ES. Really? 
Mauik (pausing,' h.). I'll run up and find Polly, so that 

v/e can all go to the parade. Good-bye, Charlie. 

{Ru?is out, l.) 

Charles. Good-bye, Brighteyes ! (Aside.) What the 
deuce did I say over the salad? (He turns, comes 
face to face with Merrifield, who has entered at c.) 
Gosh I Mr. Merrifield I 

Merrifield (angrily). What do you mean by this con- 
duct, Charles Barnes ? Explain yourself at once I 

Charles. I haven't done anything. 

Merrifield. You haven't done anything? Here I confide 
to you my only son to look after, and what do I find 
you doing? Dining at a Chinese restaurant with an 
attractive looking female ! 

Charles. Well, sir, you wouldn't expect to find me dining 
with an unattractive looking one, would you ? 

Merutfield. Don't be impertinent, sir. Where is Au- 
gustus? When did he have his dinner? 

5«> 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Charles. 1 don't know, sir. I didn't know I was ex- 
pected to provide him with food at regular intervals. 

Merrifield. Don't try to evade the truth, sir. Augustus 
is in danger, and you know it. 

Charles. You bet he's in danger. Which do you mean ? 

Merrifield. I mean the smallpox. 

Charles. Oh, sure, I get you. I'd forgotten the smallpox. 

Merrifield. Forgotten the smallpox I And this is the fel- 
low I sent Augustus away with ! 

Charles. But Gus is all right. He — he's gone to be vac- 
cinated. He and Berk went half an hour ago. You 
see, I had smallpox when I was a kid, so 1 wasn't afraid. 

Merrifield. Where did they go? 

Charles. I forget the chap's name. He's one of the big 
guns here. I say, why not run down and see that they 
get the job done proi)erly ? 

Merrifield. But you said he was a good doctor? 

Charles. Yes, but the best of them get careless at times. 
I read of a chap, only the other day, who got his vac- 
cines mixed, and innoculated a fellow with hydrophobia. 

Merrifield. Hydrophobia ! 

Charles (shovitig him toward door, c). Awful, ain't it? 
You wouldn't want Augustus barkin' round, you know, 
especially in this sort of weather. 

Merrifield. Barking around ? Merciful Powers ! 

(Exeunt, c.) 
{Enter Marie, l. E?iier Gus, r.) 

Gus. The taxi will be here pretty soon. {Sees closet 

door.) Hullo, how did (Marie coughs.) I — I 

beg your pardon ! 

Marie (coming down l.). Good-evening, Mr. Crane. 

Gus. Is — is Augustus here ? 

Marie. I haven't seen him. 

Gus. Not at all ? 

Marie. No. 

Gus (following her down L.). You — you haven't heard 
any disturbance around here, have you ? 

Marie. No, indeed. Why should there be any disturb- 
ance around here? 

Gus. I — 1 don't know. I only wondered if there had been. 

(^He glances furtively at the closet.) 
51 



LOOKING FOR 31 A BY JANE 



Marie. I've just come in. 

Gus {liown c). I — 1 hope you had a pleasant evening? 

Marie {maliciously). Oh, we did ! 

Gus. Charlie's an amusing chap when he wants to be. 

Marie. Yes, isn't he? He's been telling me all about you 
boys. 

Gus {uneasily). He has ? 

Marie. He's such a good talker. 

Gus. Humph ! 

Marie {confidentially). He was telling me particularly 
about Augustus Merrifield. 

Gus. What did he say? 

Marie {sitting on sofa down l.). Oh, just telling me what 
a heart-breaker Augustus is. 

Gus. What ? 

Marie. Mr. Barnes says he's flirted with every good-look- 
ing girl in Chicago. Has he? 

Gus {bitterly). Why do you ask me? Isn't Charlie's 
word enough ? 

Marie. Oh, I don't know; you've rather a truthful sort 
of an air. I dare say it doesn't mean anything, but it's 
rather attractive. 

Gus {wretchedly). I don't suppose you'd ever forgive a 
fellow who — who deceived you once, would you ? 

Marie. Why, I don't know ; what do you mean ? 

Gus {sitting beside her). Oh, nothing special ; I'm just 
putting a case. Suppose a man deceived you, not be- 
cause he wanted to, you know, but because — oh, hang 
it all, suppose a chap behaved like a cad to you, do you 
suppose you could ever overlook it? 

Marie. I — why — I'm afraid I couldn't — unless I was aw- 
fully fond of him — very fond of him, indeed 

Gus {wretchedly). Mrs. Varney, would you mind trying 
to be awfully fond of me ? 

{Etiter Berk at c. Gus and Marie both start in con- 
fusion. Gus goes r.) 

Berk. Ahem ! 

Marie {rising). Good-evening, Mr. Merrifield. {Aside.) 

Three ! 
Berk. Good-evening. 

(Marie goes up l. Berk comes down r., to Gus.) 
52 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gus {in confusioti). We — we were just 

Berk. Oh, you needn't explain; I saw you. Where's 

Madame Schultz? 
Gas. Madame Schultz? 
Berk. She came in after you'd gone, and {Sees 

closet door open.) Great Scott, where is he? 
Gus {nervously). Gone. 1 say, you don't suppose he's 

kidnapped her, do you ? 
Berk. How do 1 know ? 
Marie {turning aftd seeing Berk walking up and down ex- 

citedly). What's the matter? 
Berk. Nothing. I'm nervous — very nervous. 
Gus. It's his ear again. 
Marie {severely). You'd better see a doctor about that 

ear of yours. 
Berk. If things keep up like this, I will. {Aside.) Any- 

body'd think she owned me already ! 

{Enter Pauline and Gladys, r. Gladys is sobbing 
zvildly.) 

Gladys {up c). All I did was to open the door, and he 

jumped out at me like a ligt-r! 

Marie {up l. c). Goodness, Gladys, what 

Pauline {up c). She says a strange man jumped out of 

that closet and scared her nearly to death. 
Marie {iti horror). A strange man? 
Gus {down r., aside to Berk). Carmen Aida must have 

unlocked the door and run off. 
Berk {down r., to Gus). She's the most unprincipled 

woman I've ever met ! 

Gladys. He had a knife in his hand, and 

Berk. Nonsense. What would a strange man be doing in 

there ? 
Gus. It's absurd. The girl must have dreamed it. 
Gladys {coming do7vn h.). Dreamed it? Didn't I seethe 

brute with my own eyes? 
Berk. Look here, Gladys, this is foolishness. 
Gladys {down l., fiercely). It's the kind of foolishness 

that'll get us all stabbed in our beds to-night. 

Gus. Did — did he say anything? 

Gladys. Say, you guy, do you think I'd talk to a man I 

53 



LOOKING FOR 3TARV JANE 



didn't know? I'll have you understand I'm a perfect 

lady, if 1 do work for my living I 
Pauline. It's one of those horrid strikers, I know it is ! 
Marie. It's our duty to notify the police. 

(^Boys juvip.) 

Gus {to Berk). This'U never do ! 

Berk {to Pauline, s?iiffing suspiciously). I thought so. 

That girl's been drinking I 
Pauune.)j5. ^i y 
Marie, j ^ 

Gladys {going c, wildly). Drinking! 

(Pauline ^//^/ Marie come down l.) 

Berk, They will do it. Perhaps if we put wet towels on 

her heaci 

Gladys {savagely). Wet towels, you little liar? You'll 

need bandages when I get through with you ! 

{She goes for him ; he dodges ; girls scream ; Gus grabs 
her. She struggles^ but he holds her.) 

Pauline. Don't hurt her ! 

Gus {whose hair is being wrenched from its foundations). 

Hurt her ! 
Gladys {fii>igi?ig aiuay from him). Drinking, is it? {She 

goes up c, and shakes fist at Pauline.) You can get 

another girl. I won't stay in this house another night. 

It's no place for a lady 1 

{She bursts into tears and dashes out at R.) 

Pauline {staring after her in horror). Another girl ! 

{She sinks on sofa, dozvn l., and cries. Marie comforts her.) 

Berk. Don't worry about her. She'll be glad enough to 

stay when she's sobered up a bit. 
Pauline {in horror). Sobered up I 

{Enter ScHULTZ at C.) 

SCHULTZ {angrily, to Berk). Vere iss she ? Vere iss mein 

vife, you ruffian ? 
Marie {to Berk). Who is his wife? 
Berk (pointing to Gus). OIi, she — why, she's a friend 

of his. 

54 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Gus. What ! 

Pauline. 1 know. That red-headed woman ! 

ScHULTZ. Vere iss mein vife? She came here again. I 

have followed her. I vill no longer mit lies be put off. 

Vere iss my Carlita ? 
Girls. Carlita? 

ScHULTZ. Vich of you iss Mr. Berkeley Crane ? 
Berk {point tug to Gus). He is. 
ScHULTz {shakmg his fist in Gus's face), Vot haf you 

done mit her ? 

Gus. I 

ScHULTZ {seeing trunk). I knew it ! Her trunk ! The 

peautiful trunk I gafe her to carry her little hats und 

shoes und stockings in ! Ach Himmel 1 

{He leans on trunk and weeps into a flaring silk hand- 
kerchief.) 

Berk {to Gus). For two cents I'd tell him what she 

carried in it ! 
Pauline. There must be some mistake. That's the young 

men's trunk. 
ScHULTZ [afigrily). It is the trunk of mein Carlita. She 

iss eloping mit dis Crane. I tell you I can proof it. 

He 

Marie {in real distress). Oh I 

Gus. Don't you believe a word he says. I 



ScHULTZ {throtvitig open the lid of the trunk). Liar ! 
Now will you tell the truth ? 

{Takes out articles of a lady's wardrobe ^ gowns ^ gloves ^ 
shoes, etc.) 

Marie {to Gus). Now I know what you were trying to 
confess a few minutes ago. PU never forgive you — I 
despise you — I hate you ! (Goes up R.) 

ScHULTZ. AH her peautiful things are here ! The slippers 
of Mimi — the fan of Carmen — the braids of Mar- 
guerite ! {He holds them up.) 

Berk {down r., to Pauline, ivho is crying). Don't cry, 
please don't, I can't stand it ! I give you my word of 
lionor I wasn't eloping with her. 

Pauline {down l.). Don't speak to me. 

(Bekk stands in despair.) 

55 



LOOKING FOB 3IAEY JANE 



Gus (down R., shaking his fist at Schultz). I don't care 
a hang for the braids of Marguerite. Where was that 
Chinaman all the time ? 

Schultz (/// c). Chinaman? Am I my wits loosening? 

(^Enter Carlita at c. She throws her anns about Schultz.) 

Carlita. Gustave — oh, Gustave ! 

Schultz {repulsing her). Traitress I Vampire ! 

{He comes down L.) 

Carlita (^following him). Vampire? Me? Oh, Gus- 
tave, how can you speak to me like that ? 

Gus {following Marie, up r.). If you'll only let me 
explain 

Marie. Nobody could explain a red-headed woman I 

{^Exit MPLRiEt followed by Pauline, r.) 

Schultz {clutching Carlita and pointing to trunk). What 

does that mean ? 
Carlita {eyeing the garments on the floor). Where — 

where is he ? 
Schultz {with a yell, and pointing to Gus, up c), Dere 

he iss — de man mit whom you elope ! 
Gus {coming down i..). Elope! Not much. 
Carlita. I? Elope with that? {Turns on Berk, r., 

and points to closet.) You told me he was in that 

closet. 
Berk {pointing to trunk). You told me he was in there ! 
Carlita {suddenly). Oh, I must have mixed the checks ! 

The other trunk is the one. He's gone to the theatre ! 

{She sinks into a chair, r. c, and fans herself with Berk's 
handkerchief.) 

Schultz {in a frenzy). Gone to de theatre? Den I vill 
go after him und his neck wrinp^ ! [Dashes out at c.) 

Carlita {jumping up). And that Chinaman has the small- 
pox ! Gustave — wait ! You mustn't ! 

{She runs after him. Berk sifiks into chair down R., eX' 
hausted ; Gus sinks on sofa, down l.) 

curtain 

56 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same setting, an hour later. Gladys is pack- 
ing Caklita's garments into the trutik, savagely, 

(^Enter Gus at c, with a large box of pink roses in his arms.) 

Gus (nervously). Ahem ! 

Gladys (Jurni?ig'). Well? 

Gus {timidly). Would you mind taking these up to Mrs. 

Varney and telling her 

Gladys. Well ? 

Gus. Oh, 1 don't know ! Anything that you think will 

make her stop being angry with me. What would you 

suggest ? 
Gladys. There ain't no use. If you'd heard her swatting 

things around in her room, you wouldn't waste your 

money on roses. 
Gus. Oh, I say, don't you think she'll get over it? 
Gladys. Nothin' doin', take it from me. Still, I'll rush 

'em up to her, if you say so. {Scornfully.') I ain't 

afraid of her ! 

{Takes flowers. Exit, l.) 

Gus {up c). I am ! {Enter Betrk at c, with a box of red 
roses. Gus turns and sees him.) Here's a nice mess ! 
Mrs. Varney thinks I was eloping with that crazy 
woman, and it's all your fault. 

Berk {coming do7vn r. c). My fault? 

Gus. Yes. You were so confounded quick to tell her my 
name was Berkeley Crane ! 

Berk {putting his box of roses do7vn on table carefully). 
Weil, you've been pretty slow telling her it was Augus- 
tus Merri field. I tell you I don't care for the way I've 
been treated in this affair. 

Gus. The way you've been treated 1 

Berk. Yes. Here Miss Went worth's got it into her head 
that I'm mixed up in some way or other with you and 
your opera singer 

Gus. My opera singer ! 

57 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Berk. Well, that's what her husband says ! He ought to 

know. I tell you it's cost me ray watch to square 

myself on this deal. 
Gus. Your watch ? 
Berk. Yes. I don't suppose you think that American 

Beauties grow by the roadside, do you ? 
Gus (wiih a sentimental glance at door^ L.). No. They 

grow in boarding-houses. When I think of those 

eyes 

Berk {disgustedly). Oh, dry up ! (^He turnsy sees Gladys 

entering^ l.) Hello, I thought you'd gone? 
Gladys {entering l., spitefully). Me? I'd look classy 

goin' without my hat and coat, wouldn't 1? 
Berk. Your hat and coat ? 
Gladys {with irony and scorn). Yes. They was stole 

from me by that man I just imagined ! Oh, you just 

wait till my gentleman friend, who's a cop, gets busy 

on this job ! {She turns on her heel.) 
Gus. I say, did — did she take the roses ? 
Gladys. Oh, yes, she took 'em. 
Gus. Did she seem much put out ? 

(Berk gets his box from table and goes up r.) 

Gladys {up c). Put out 1 Well, believe me, she's some 
peeved ! She 

{The pink roses y thrown through door l. by a vindictive 
handy land with a crash at Gus' s feet.) 

Berk (/// r.). Ahem ! I don't think I'll trouble you to 
take these up, Gladys. Just put them in water and 
— and keep 'em yourself. 

Gus (up L.y pickino^ up his _fiowers). Take these, too. I'm 
sure you like flowers. 

Gladys {angrily). Oh, don't trouble yourselves ! When 
a lady's been done out of a swell twenty dollar hat with 
a wilier plume, two dollars and seventy-five cents' worth 
of roses ain't goin' to make life sound like one sweet 
song to her ! 

{Exit, c.) 

{The boys stare at each other a 7noment. Gus stalks an' 
grily down to the trunk, slams the roses into it, and 
bangs the lid. Berk cofues down disgustedly and sits 
down at table y r. C. ; drops his fioivers on the table.) 

S8 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Berk (meditatively). I say, there's one thing Td like to 
know. If Carmen Aida mixed the trunk checks and 
sent the Chinaman to the theatre, who was the chap 
who got away with Gladys' duds ? 

Gus (l. c). The — the fellow we locked in the closet, of 
course. 

Berk. Well, who was he ? Suppose you put your infant 
millionaire brains to work on that and see what happens. 

Gus. Great guns 1 Who could he have been ? 

Berk. Well, I'll tell you who he could have been. He 
could have been one of our Chinaman's friends who's 
mixed up in the deal and came here to nose around and 
find out things. 

Gus. Well, if he's in on the deal, too, he won't give us 
away. 

Berk. Oh, won't he? You wait till Gladys' policeman 
catches him red-handed with that willow plume, and see 
if he doesn't I He's human, if he is Chinese. I tell 
you she's got to be squared. She 

{Enter Charles, c, much out of breath. He comes down 
L., sits and mops his face.) 

Charles. Well, I've lost him ! 

Gus {angrily). Lost who, you idiot? 

Charles. Why, your father. He nabbed me at the res- 
taurant, and I trailed him all over town looking for 
you. Finally I shook him in a crowd down by the 
bridge. It's no in the shade ! I never saw anything 
like the endurance of these old chaps ! 

Gus. Well, you've wasted your lime. 

Charles. Do you mean to say you two wooden heads 
haven't gotten rid of that Chinaman yet ? 

Berk. There never was any Chinaman ! 

Gus (opening trunk). Here's the slippers of Mimi, the fVm 
of Carmen, the braids of Marguerite! {To Berk.) 
If ever you open a window again for 

Charles. You mean she was kidding us ? 

Gus. Oh, there's no time to tell you what we mean. Did 
will be back in a jiffy. What I want to know is, who's 
going to break the news to Mary Jane ? 

Berk. I — I would do it, but I — I'm afraid I'm engager! to 
her. I don't want to hurt her feelings any more than 
I have to. 

59 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gus. Engaged to her ! 

Berk. Since this afternoon. Let Charles do it. 

Charles (^gloomily), I — can't, old chap. You're mistaken 
about that engagement. She's engaged to me. 1 did 
it over the salad. 

Gus. You're crazy, both of you. Why, I proposed to her 
myself, not an hour ago ! 

Both. You ! 

Gus. Yes. When I think of those eyes 

Charles {to Gus). Aw, forget it ! {To Berk.) What I 
want to know is, what are we going to do with Gus's 
father? He isn't going to stay lost forever, you know. 

Berk. You leave Gus's father to me. 1 tell you that girl, 
Gladys, has got to be kept quiet. We've got to take 
up a collection and buy her a hat and coat. 

Charles. What for? 

Berk {savagely'). Oh, if we've got to stop and pound 
everything through your bonehead, we'll all be doing 
time to-morrow ! How much money have you got ? 

Charles {looking b la fikly at QiM?>). I 

Gus {digging into his pockets). Fifteen plunks. 

Berk {to Gus). You go and find a shop that's open and 
buy that girl a hat and coat. 

Gus. But 1 don't know anything about buying woman's 
duds! 

Berk. Well, use your imagination. Buy something bright 
and cheerful-looking; do you get me? 

Gus {helplessly). I guess so. 

Charles. Somethin' flossy. 

Berk. And don't be all night about it. (To Charles.) 
You'd better hike out and find Gus's father; we can't 
afford to lose him. Tell him we're going to make a 
quick get-away before the quarantine officers spot this 
house, and to meet us at the depot at ten. 

Charles. All right. Come on, Gus. 

{Exeunt both at c. Berk, sitting r. c, prepares to light a 
cigarette^ but finds 7io matches. Gets up and looks 
around for one.) 

{Enter Marie, l., dressed for the street^ carrying a suit- 
case.) 

Berk {goin^ up c). Good-evening. 
Marie {coldly). Good-evening. 

6o 



LOOKING FOB MABY JANE 



Berk {bhcki?ig her way). You're not going out — at this 
hour ? 

Marie. I am, if you will kindly permit me to pass. 

Berk. Why, certainly, but — you're not going alone I 

Marie. Indeed ? 

Berk. Well, are you going alone, then ? 

Marie {up l.). Yes, 1 am. 

Berk (/// c). Well, suit yourself. Some folks have queer 
ideas of pleasant company. May I call a cab for you ? 

Marie {putting down suit-case to fasten her glove). I'm 
going on the street car. 

Berk {possessing himself of the suit-case). On the street 
car, alone, at this time of night? 

Marie. Exactly. I've taken apartments at a hotel. 

Berk. Look here, Mrs. Varney, you aren't leaving on ac- 
count of G — I mean, Berkeley and that — that red- 
headed girl, are you ? 

Marie {frigidly). Certainly not. He may elope with all 
the actresses in town if he chooses. 

Berk {earnestly). But he doesn't want to elope with all 
of 'em — honest, he doesn't ! 

Marie {furiously). Give me my suit-case at once and let 
me go ! 

Berk. But I don't see why you should blame me, just be- 
cause he's gone and made a fool of himself ! Now, 
I 

Marie {angrily). Will you give me that suit-case? 

Berk {holding it away from her). No, I will not. 

Marie. Then 1 shall go without it. 

Berk. Oh, very well, if you think they're going to let you 
into any decent hotel without even a suit-case 

Marie {tragically). If they won't, I can go to the police 
station. 

Berk {dropping the suit-case). Police station ! 

Marie {seizing it). There must be some place in this town 
where an unfortunate woman can find shelter. 

Berk. But what's the use of taking things so hard ? 

Marie {wiping her eyes furtively). Hard? 

Berk. Yes. Things might be a lot worse. 

Marie. What could be worse than trying to elope with a 
married woman ? 

Berk. Well, he might have succeeded, you know. Fel- 
lows do, sometimes. 

6i 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Marie {angrily). How dare you joke about such things? 

Berk {seriously^. I'm not joking, I mean that ifBeik 
had been in the habit of running away with other men's 
wives, they'd probably have been half-way to Cahfornia 
by this time. Being a respectable young man, he gets 
caught before they get to the depot. 

Marie (^furiously). Respectable ! I'm afraid I don't un- 
derstand your ideas of morality, Mr. Merrifield. 

Berk. That's nothing. 1 don't always understand *em 
myself. But look here. I wish you'd do me a favor. 
Go back up-stairs and tell Polly that you've changed 
your mind. 

Marie. I can't. 

Berk. Oh, yes, you can — and look here. Tell her that l 
wasn't flirting with Madame Schultz, will you ? She's 
one of the sweetest girls I've ever met, and 1 hate hav- 
ing her think things about me. 

Marie. Tell her yourself. You're a better liar than I am. 

Berk. But listen. 1 wasn't flirting with her. I give you 
my word. You see, it was like this. She and her 
husband happened to be on the train with us coming 
up from Mexico, and he was in the smoker. Well, it 
was hot in the car, and she asked me to open a 



window 



(^Enter Gladys at C. Comes doivn R. C. to table.) 

Gladys. I might as well take these flowers, just to make 
George jealous. It does a chap good now and then to 
let him know he ain't the only electric sign on the 
avenue. 

Marie. What flowers? 

Gladys. These here ones that Mr. Merrifield just gave 
me. Some class, ain't they? There's that darned 
door-bell again I 

(^Exitj c, 7vith flowers.') 

(^Enter Pauline at r., in time to hear Gladys' speech.) 

Berk. I say, I didn't mean (Marie stares icily at 

him. lie turns^ meets Pauline's horrified eyes.) 
Gosh! 

i^IIe puts his hands to his head and rushes out L.) 
62 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Marie {turning triumphantly to Pauline). What do you 

think now about ''those poor boys"? One of them 

caught running away with an actress and the olher 

buying American Beauties with stems that long for a 

housemaid ! I dare say the other one robs banks when 

he hasn't anything else to do ! 
Pauline. They shall leave this house in the morning, all 

three of them ! 
Marie. Well, I'm leaving it to-night. You may send my 

mail to the St. Regis. 
Pauline. But you mustn't go down town alone ! Please 

let me call Mr. Paddington. He's so obliging. 
Marie. I hate men who are obhging. Besides — what 

good would he be? 
Pauline. He could carry that suit-case. (Lifts it. Drops 

it.) Gracious ! You must have bricks in it ! 
Marie {savagely). I wish 1 did have bricks in it, and that 

1 was in a second-story window dropping it on Berkeley 

Crane's head. 
Pauline. I'll have Mr. Paddington here in a jiffy. 

{Crosses R., then pauses.) 1 say, Marie, you — you 

don't think you're just a tiny bit in love with Berkeley 

Crane, do you ? 
Marie {coming down r. c). In love with him ! What 

put that into your head ? 
Pauline. Nothing — only — only you said you'd like to 

drop bricks on his head — and 

Marie. Now, Polly, listen. I absolutely detest Berkeley 

Crane 1 There's only one person on this earth whom I 

detest half as much and that's his dear friend, Augustus 

Merrifield ! 
Pauline. I see. {She shakes her head and exit, r.) 
Marie {angrily). In love with Berkeley Crane ! Humph ! 

{Sits at table, buries her face in her hands.) Oh, 

dear, why did he have to go and fall in love with that 

horrid red-headed girl I 

{Enter Gladys at c.) 

Gladys (staring at Marie). Say, there's a feller out there 
wants to see Mrs. Wentworth. I told him 

Marie (sprini^ing to her feet). Well! Who is he ? 

Gladys. You can search me ! He says his name's Merri- 
field. 

63 



LOOKING FOR 3IARY JANE 



Marie. Merrifiekl ! 

Gladys. Yep. {^Confidentially.) I think he's nuts ! 

Marie. What do you mean ? 

Gladys. Well, I told him Mrs. Wentworth was sick abed 

and wasn't seein' nobody and he says, << Never mind, 

it's all right. I've been vaccinated 1 " 
Marie. Vaccinated I 

{Enter Merrifield, c.) 

Merrifield. Madam, I wish to speak to Mrs. Wentworth. 

It is perfectly safe. I have taken all the necessary 

precautions. 
Gr.ADYS. What do you know about that ? 
Marie (to Gladys). Go and call Miss Pauline. 
Gladys. Oh, all right ! 

{Exit, r.) 

Marie. Your name is Merrifield ? 

Merrifield {coming down l. ). I'm John Merrifield of 
Chicago, ma'am. You have doubtless heard of me in 
connection with — with pork. 

Marie {grimly). Yes, I've heard of you in connection 
with several things. You're Augustus Merrifield's 
father, aren't you? 

Merrifield. I am. 

Marie. Well, I am Mary Jane. 

Merrifield {eagerly). You are Mary Jane? 

Marie. Yes, and I want to tell you that I wouldn't marry 
your son if you were to present him with every pig 
west of the Mississi[)pi ! 

Merrifield. Are you speaking of Augustus, ma'am ? 
What do you mean ? 

Marie. Well, for one thing, unless you wish Augustus ex- 
posed to very great danger, you had better remove him 
from the companionship of Mr. Berkeley Crane. 

Merrifield. Good heavens ! You don't mean Oh, 

you can't mean that Berkeley's caught it? 

Marie. Caught it ! No. I think that it's caught Berkeley. 

Merrifield. Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! This is too dread- 
ful. I can't believe it — and it's all my fault ! I sent 
the unfortunate boy here, but how was I to know ? Oh, 
dear I Oh, dear ! {Drops on to sofa, down L.) 

64 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



(^Enter Paddington, excitedly ^ at r. He has his hat on 
and his opera under his artn.^ 

Paddington. Come ! Let us go at once ! I have just 
finished a new finale ! I will drop in at her hotel and 
play it for her. She will rave over it ! Even the 
husband will like it ! Come ! 

i^He picks up Marie's suit-case ; seizes her by the arm.) 

Marie. All right. I'm coming. Good -evening, Mr. 
Merrifield. 

{They go up c. Merrifield rises.) 

Merrifield. No. You shall not go until you have told 
me that Augustus is safe. 

Paddington. What can it possibly matter whether Au- 
gustus is safe or not when the most wonderful woman 
in the world is waiting to hear my finale? 

{He sweeps Marie off at c, as Pauline enters at r. with 
Gladys.) 

Merrifield. But Augustus 

Pauline {coming down r.). Are you Mr. Merrifield, Senior ? 

1 am Mrs. VVentworth's niece. 
Merrifield {putting on his eye-glasses and staring at her). 

You're not the niece I saw before. She had red hair. 
Pauline {indignantly). What? 
Merrifield. She had red hair and she lied to me I 
Pauline. Sir ! 

Gladys. Didn't I tell you he was nuts? 
Pauline. Leave the room, Gladys. 
Gladys. Oh, all right ! 

{Exity C.) 

Merrifield. Give me my son ! I demand to see Augus- 
tus Merrifield at once ! 

(Berk appears L. They do not see him. He hears old 
Meurifield's voice and backs out through door, l.) 

Pauline. I don't know where your son is. He was here 
a few minutes ago. I dare say he's in his room. 

(Berk looks in door l. ) 

65 



LOOKING FOB 31 A RY JANE 



Merkifield. Then I'll go to his room. 

{Slarts up L. Berk disappears. Pauline stops Merki- 
field.) 
Pauline. One minute, please. I want to say a word to 
you before you go. 

(Mekrifield stops. Berk puts in his head sloivly and cau- 
tiously to listen.') 

Merrifield. Well ? Be brief, please. Every moment is 

precious in such a situation as this. 
Pauline. 1 want to tell you that 1 shall not allow either 

your son or his friends to spend another hour under this 

roof. 1 consider them a menace to any household that 

shelters them. That's all. 
Merrifield. And I want to tell you that you are a very 

wicked young woman, and that 1 could have you ar- 
rested if 1 chose. 
Pauline. Arrested! What for? 
Merrifield, Yes, ma'am. Arrested. Are you aware that 

it is a criminal offense to conceal a case of smallpox 

from the authorities? 
Pauline {asrhast). Smallpox? Do you mean to say that 

Augustus has small])nx ? 
Merrifield. If lie has he's caught it from your aunt, and 

now you want to turn him into the streets to die ! It's 

criminal ! 
Pauline. But my aunt hasn't smallpox — she has hay-fever. 
Merrifield. Hay-fever ? 
Pauline (/// horror-). Oh, I know — that trunk ! He told 

me it was measles ! 
Merrifield. Trunk ? 
Pauline. It's all that horrible Berkeley Crane ! 

(JShe rufis to trunk. MERRiFiKi,D/^//r77£/j. As they stand 
looking at the trunk, Berk sneaks across and disap- 
pears through door, r.) 

Merrifield. Explain yourself, madam. What has that 
trunk to do with my son? 

Pauline {wringing her hands). It's all that awful Berke- 
ley Crane ! He tried to elope with a red -headed woman 
named Schultz, that he met on the train, and she sent 
the trunk here. It — it was exposed to the smallpox 
down in Mexico. 

66 



LOOKING FOB MA BY JANE 



Merrifield. Is this the truth ? 

Pauline. If you don't believe me you can come up-stairs 

and hear Auntie sneeze. 
Merkifield. 1 must find Augustus ! He must be removed 

from the evil influence of Berkeley Crane at once. It's 

too late to prevent the smallpox. But 1 can keep his 

moral character from being undermined, and I will. 
Pauline {tearfully). I'm afraid you're too late there, too. 

Augustus has been buying roses for my servant girl. 
Merrifield. Let me catch him 1 I'll settle him ! Lead 

me to him, do you hear? 
Pauline. Yes, sir, this way. His room's at the head of 

the stairs. 

{She rinis out i.., followed by the afigry Merrifield.) 

(^Enter Gladys, c. ; looks around, sees no one. Berk 
peeps timidly roufid the door at r., sees Gladys, enters.) 

Gladys. Well ? 

Berk. Hush. {Approaches her.) 

Gladys. Now what's the matter ? 

Berk {taking her by the arm). Hush ! {Takes his scarf 
pin and holds it before her eyes.) Do you see that? 

Gladys. Rather nifty little headlight, ain't it? 

Berk. Not so loud ! That is yours, if you'll promise to do 
something for me. 

Gladys. What's the matter? Ain't it genuine? 

Berk. Of course it's genuine. Listen ! Did you see that 
old gentleman who was talking to Miss Pauline ? 

Gladys {tapping her forehead meaningly). Him? Oh, 
yes, I seen him all right. 

Berk. That's — ahem — that's my father. He wants me, 
d'you understand? But he mustn't find me. 

Gladys. But 

Berk. Oh, never mind why ! A woman who always wants 
to know the whys of a thing is a nuisance. Now, lis- 
ten ; I want you to say this to him, when he comes 
down, and I'll give you the scarf pin. 

Gladys. Well ? 

Berk. I want you to say, " Mr. Augustus has gone out for 
a few minutes. He wants you to meet him at the 
Union Depot at ten o'clock." Do you get me? 
** Union Depot at ten." 

67 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gladys. But suppose he asks where you've gone? 
Berk. Well, don't you tell anything you don't know. 

Gladys. But 

Berk. Wait a minute. What day is to-day ? 

Glauvs. Wednesday. 

Berk. To be sure. Well, if he asks you where, tell him 

I've gone to prayer-meeting. 
Gladys. What ? 
Berk. Don't you know what prayer-meeting is ? What 

kind of folks were you raised among, anyhow? 
Gladys. Well, I'll try it on, but 1 ain't got much faith in 

it. Give me the pin. 
Berk {handing it to her). Take it. If I get out of this 

house with my collar, I'll be lucky. Oh, one more 

thing. 
Gladvs. More ? 
Berk {opening trunk). I want you to take the slippers of 

Mimi, the fan of Carmen and the braids of Marguerite 

and dump them in the kitchen stove before they make 

any more trouble. 

{Piles contents of trunk in her arms.) 

Gladys. Bui — but whose are they ? 

Berk {crossitig — opetiing door r. for her). Never you 

mind. You get rid of 'em, do you hear? 
Gladys {loftily). Oh, all right ! 

{Exit R., arms full.) 
{Enter Carlita at c.) 
Carlita. Augustus ! 
Berk {turning, seeing her). Now, look here. You can't 

come here any more. I won't talk to you. You nuist 

go home, do you understand ? 
Carlita {up c. ). But, Augustus, T must tell you — I'm in 

frightful trouble — you must listen. 
Berk {up r.). I won't bribe any more policemen, and my 

name isn't Augustus ! 
Carlita. But you said it was ! 
Berk. Oh, when a man's in my fix, he'll say anything. 

Will you go home? 
Carlita. No, I won't — not until you promise to help me. 
Berk. I'll never help anybody again as long as 1 live — 

never ! 

68 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Carlita {startitior toward the door). Then there's only 
one thing for me to do. I shall confess all to the 
police ! 

Berk. 1 say, come back here. What do you mean ? 

Carlita. 1 knew you wouldn't desert me ! (^She sits. 
Berk walks up and down luith an anxious rye on the 
door, L.) When 1 left here Gustave was so angry 
with me — he said 

Berk. Now, look here. 1 don't want to know any of your 
family affairs. 

Carlita. How brutal you are. {Rises.) I prefer the 
police. 1 shall go to them. 

Berk. Now, don't get grouchy. I didn't mean anything 
— only if those people come down-stairs and find us here 
— well — our reputations won't be worth that ! 

Carlita {tragically'). What do I care ? My reputation is 
ruined — ruined ! 

Berk. Well, mine isn't, and I'll be hanged if I'll let it be 
ruined just for a blamed old Chinaman ! 

Carlita. That's it. Where is he ? 

Berk. Where is he? Didn't he turn up at the theatre? 

Carlita. No, and I had just explained things so nicely to 
Gustave — about my coming here 

Berk. Some people have the darnedest luck at that sort of 
thing ! 

Carlita. And he was making up his mind to forgive me, 
when we reached the theatre and 1 found that the other 
trunk hadn't been delivered! Oh, what shall we do ? 

Berk. We? 

Carlita. Why, of course. You needn't think you're going 
to put it all off on me. Men are so selfish ! 

Berk. But, my dear Madame Schultz, I had nothing to do 
with that trunk ! 

Carlita. Now, look here, I wired Cousin John, as soon as 
we arrived here this morning, that the trunk had been 
checked on your ticket, and if anything goes wrong 
with that Chinaman, they're going to hold you respon- 
sible. 

Berk. What ! 

(Merrifield's voice off stage.) 

Merrifield. Then he is down-stairs, ma'am. I shan't 
leave this house till I have seen Augustus ! 
69 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Pauline (off stage). If he's here, we'll find him. 

Berk. Now ! Now, see what you've done ! I won't 

have you found here, do you understand ? 
Carlita (looking toward closet). I'll step in there. 
Berk. No, you won't. This is no French farce. You'll 

go home. 
Carlita. Never 1 I won't face Gustave again till I know 

where 1 stand. 
Berk. I've got it. (^Throws open trunk.) You get in 

there and 

Carlita (resisting him). No, I won't. I'm nfraid. I 



Berk. 1 won't lock it. Give you my word. Just till 

they've looked through the room. 
Carlita. Who is he? 
Berk. He's the chief of police. 
Carlita {getting into the trtmk itistantly). Don't leave 

me ! 
Berk (putting down the lid). I won't. Don't move till I 

tell you. 

(Exity R., rapidly.) 

(Enter Gladys, r. Merrifield a?id Pauline appear i..) 

Pauline. He may have gone into Mr. Paddington's 
studio. 

Gladys. No, he ain't ; he's went out. 

Merrifield. Out? 

Gladys. Just now. He said to tell you to meet him at 
the Union Depot at ten o'clock. 

Merrifield. Where did he go? 

Gladys. Why, he — he 

Pauline. Tell Mr. Merrifield at once, Gladys. Where 
did Mr. Augustus go? 

Gladys {blushing). He — why — he went to church ! 

Merrifield. To church ? 

Pauline. Why, Gladys ! 

Gladys. Well, he did. He went to church. 

Merrifield. Perhaps the girl is telling the truth. Au- 
gustus has awakened at last to his awful peril ! 

Gladys. He looked scared. 

Merrifield. Oli, my poor boy ! Alone in a strange city ! 
No one to turn to for help ! Where is the church? 

{He seizes Gladys by the arm.) 
70 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Gladys. Where ! 

Mekrifield. Which church did he go to — the address, 

quick, woman — do you hear? Don't trifle with the 

feelings of a father. (He shakes her,) 
Gladys (^swallowing hard). It — it — was 213 Ontario Street. 
Merkifield. I'll go there at once. Here. (Hands 

Gladys a bill.) Where did you put my hat? 
Gladvs {recovering quickly). This way. I'll get it. 

{Precedes him. They go out, C.) 

Pauline. Well, if Augustus' mother is as queer as the 

other two, they must be an odd family. {She comes 

down l. Door, r., opens slowly. Berk looks in, sees 

Pauline, enters. She starts in amazement.) What 

are you doing here ? 
Berk {coming down r. ). Hush! Has the old gentleman 

gone ? 

Pauline. Yes. But Gladys said 

Berk. Yes, I know. I told her to. 

Pauline. What do you mean by telling my servant to — 

to 

Berk. Fib? I had to. She hasn't sense enough to do it 

on her own. You see, it's like this — I 

Pauline. Don't come any nearer, please. I haven't been 

vaccinated. 

Berk. Vaccinated! What the 

Pauline. That will do, Augustus ! 

Berk. I say, don't you call me Augustus, please. I — I'd 

rather you wouldn't. 
Pauline {offended). Oh, certainly, Mr. Merrifield. 
Berk. Oh, hang — I didn't mean that — honest I didn't. 
Pauline. I find it very difficult to follow your meaning. 
Berk. I mean — I — I didn't want you to call me Mr. 

Merrifield. 
Pauline. Well, it's your name, isn't it? Perhaps you'll 

deny that poor old gentleman who just went out is your 

father. 

Berk. Well, I may, before I get through. I 

Pauline. How can you be so hard-hearted? Here he is, 

worried to death about you 

Berk. About me? 

Pauline. Yes. Smallpox. It's enough to worry any- 

71 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



body. And you told me it was earache — and let me 

heat hot- water bags for you ! 
Berk. Listen. Can you keep a secret ? 
Pauline (jvith dignity). I can, but I don't care to. 
Berk {coming nearer). Please — for me — 1 haven't got the 

smallpox. 
Pauline {iiown l.). Honest? 
Berk {down l.). Honest. I 'phoned the old gentleman 

that I had because — well, because 1 didn't want him 

coming here and nosing into things. See ? 
Pauline. Oh, it's some more of that dreadful Berkeley 

Crane's doings ! 

Berk. That's it — you see 

Pauline. No, I don't see. Ithinkhe'sa wretch, and I don't 

intend to allow him to stay another hour in this house. 

Berk. Now, look here. You don't understand 

Pauline. No, I don't understand what any one can see in 

a vulgar, horrid, red-haired little actress ! 
Berk {with a look of horror at the trunk). Now, now, 

don't say that — please don't — you don't mean it. I'm 

sure you don't. 
Pauline. I do mean it. She's a mercenary little wretch, 

just eloping with Berkeley Crane for his money. 
Berk. His money ! Ha ! 
Pauline. Do you mean to say that you think she's in love 

with him ? 
Berk {desperately). I — I — how should I know? 
Pauline. Well, 1 know ! 
Berk. Well, if you know, why do you keep on nagging 

me about it ? 
Pauline. And what he can see in her ! Why, she's not 

even pretty. 

Berk {with a hunted look). Oh, I say, she 

Pauline. Oh, she has red hair and that's enough for you ! 

You men are perfectly silly about red hair. 
Berk. I'm not. I hate it. Always did. I — oh, thun- 
der, I mean I 

Pauline. They get it with henna, that's how they get it ! 
Berk. Oh, I say, let's talk about something else ! 
Pauline. I don't care to talk at all. I promised to go up 

and read auntie to sleep. {Goes up l.) 
Berk {following her up L.). Wait a minute. I want to 

ask you something. 

72 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Pauline. Well ? 

Berk. It's — it's a kind of secret. 

Pauline. A secret ! 

(77/^ lid of the trunk raises a7id CkRUTiCs face peeps itt' 
quisitively out.) 

Berk. You see, it's something I wouldn't say to anybody 
but you. Understand ? 

Pauline {a little flattered). Yes? 

Berk. I'm telling you now because I may not have another 
chance. I've got a wild night ahead of me. 1 may 
come out on top and 1 may land in the penitentiary. 

(Carlita sinks down in fright and the lid crashes down.) 

Pauline {seizing Berk by the arm). What's that ! 

Berk {putting his arm around her). Nothing. Just 
thunder ! Don't be scared. 

Pauline. Thunder ! But there's no storm I 

Berk. There's going to be ! 

Pauline. What have you been doing? 

Berk. Nothing, 'pon my word, it's just my confounded 
luck ! What I want you to remember is, that no mat- 
ter what happens to me, or where I go, I'm coming 
back first chance I get to marry you. See? 

Pauline. Sir ! 

Berk {still holding her). I don't care what you think 
about it, that's what I'm going to do. You're the 
only girl 

(^Enter Paddington at c, carrying the suit-case in one 
hand, supporting the half fainting Marie with the 
other f and wildly excited.) 

Paddington. Miss Wentworth ! Where the deuce is Miss 
Wentworth ? 

Pauline (freeing herself from Berk's arm). Oh, what 
has happened ? 

Marie. Oh, such a dreadful accident. 

Pauline {putting Marie into the armchair ^ r. c). Acci- 
dent? 

(Paddington and Berk come dowfi l. ) 

Paddington. We were in the street car ! She would ride 

73 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



in the street car ! She is as obstinate as a mule. I 
was in a hurry. I wanted to reach the hotel before 
Madame Schultz went out again. I 

Berk {apprehensively, as Carlita raises the lid cautiously). 
Never mind about Madame Schultz ! What happened 
to the street car ? 

Paddington. It ran into an express wagon full of trunks 

(^The lid drops with another crash. Marie screams.) 
What's that? 

Berk (wildly, goin^ up C, and looking out). Thunder 
ac^ain ! Going to have a frightful storm presently. 
Did — did anything happen to the trunks ? 

Paddington. They were scattered on the tracks ! One of 
them burst open 

Berk (Jiis knees shaking). Y-yes — burst open — and 

Paddington. The crowd was so thick I couldn't see any- 
thing else. I begged Mrs. Varney to go on to the 
hotel — it was only a step — but she refused ! She said 
she had changed her mind ! 

(^Rages up and down l. Berk mops his brow.) 

Marie. I was so shaken up 



Paui INE. Of course you were, dear. Come, and I'll get you 
something to help your nerves. (Marie rises. Paul- 
ine turns angrily on Paddington.) You're a brute ! 
(TI^Bekk.) Open the door. (Berk opens door ^ r.) 
Come, dear. 

(^Exit with Marie rtr/ r.) 

Paddington. Brute ! When the most wonderful woman 
in the world is waiting to hear my finale ! 

{He dashes out at c. Carlita sits up instantly.) 

Carlita. Help me out of here at once ! 

Berk {rushing to her). No. You must stay there. Didn't 

you hear what he said ? 
Carlita {clinging to him). Oh, do you believe it's our 

trunk ? 
Berk. I believe it's yours. It's just the sort of luck you 

seem to play in. No, don't get out, I beg of you. 
Carlita {climbing out). I must! Something must be 

done — at once — he can't be left in the street like that. 

If he should talk 

74 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Berk. How can I help his talking? There's somebody 
coming ! Will you get back into the trunk ? 

Carlita. Not for a thousand dollars ! I — I'm going 
home ! I don't care what Gustave says ! I can't stand 
this suspense any longer. (^Slarls up stage.) 

Berk. That's the way they're coming. 1 heard the front 
door open. 

Carlita. Oh ! {Rushes r.) 

Berk {stopping her). Don't ! Can't you be sensible for 
once? 

Caklita. I won't get into that trunk again. 

Beuk {motioning L.). Then step in here while I get rid 
of them, Madame Schultz, 1 beseech you 

{He pushes her to L. She goes unwillingly. Gladys' voice 
is heard, c.) 

Gladys. Oh, he's here all right ! 

(Carlita holts into closet. Berk locks the door. Puts key 
on desk. Comes down to meet Charles and Gus. 
Charles is carrying a hat box and Gus a long coat 
box.') 

Berk. Oh, it's you, is it? {Comes down L.) 
Charles {coming down and laying box ofi table). I say, 
I'm afraid we've lost the old gentleman for good. He 

hasn't shown up at the hotel I'll bet he's hittin' 

it up at a poker game somewhere. I 

Gus {indignantly). Poker ! My father wouldn't touch a 
gambling game with a forty rod pole ! I tell you he's 
lost, and you're responsible. 

{He comes down l., shakes his fist in Berk's /i?^^.) 

Berk. Don't you worry about your father. He's going to 

meet us at the Union Depot at ten o'clock. 
Gus. The deuce he is ! {Puts box on trurik.) 
Charles. How did you manage it? 
Berk. I used my brains a little. It's not hard when you 

get used to it. What did you buy ? 
Gus {becrinning to untie the knot of the coat box). I fourid 

only one store open, but luckily they had just the right 

thing. 
Berk {pessimistically). Let's see it. 

75 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



Charles {going to c). I say, Gladys ! 

Gladys {cippearing, c). Well? 

Gus {taking string off'). The man said all the swell dress- 
ers were wearing 'em. 

Charles {bringing Gladys down). We — we took the lib- 
erty of bringing you a little token of our — our 

Gus. Esteem. 

Berk. As we happen to be leaving soon, and we want to 

Charles. Leave a pleasant impression behind us. 

Gladys {suspiciously). Oh ! 

(Gus takes out the coat, a very conspicuous garment, ivith 
bright colors — see Properties. At same time Charles 
takes out hat, also very conspicuous — see Properties. 
Berk gazes with horror at the hat and coat.) 

Gus. The very latest. The man let us have it at a bar- 
gain on account of the ink spot, which can be easily 
removed with oxahc acid and a sponge. 

Charles {holding tip hat). Classy little lid, ain't it ? 

Gladys. Them are for me? 

Both {handing them). Yes. All for you. 

Gladys. Then you can take 'em back to the second-hand 
shop where you got 'em. I ain't booked with no cir- 
cus this summer. 

Berk. I might have known you'd make a mess of it ! 

Gus. You said something bright and cheerful ! 

Charles. What do you expect to get for fifteen dollars, 
anyhow? Charmeuse and diamonds? 

(Charles pronounces it char -moose.) 

Gladys {angrily snatching coat and hat, and holding them 
up). Fifteen dollars ! (^«^(?r Pauline, r.) Gimme 
a millionaire when it comes to bein' a real tight wad ! 

Pauline. Why, Gladys 

Berk {sitting down l.). Gosh ! 

Pauline. What does this mean ? 

Gladys. It means that these here cheap guys thought they 
was goin' to keep me quiet about their goings on by 
makin' me a handsome present, so they blew themselves 
to these. {Throivs clothes down and stamps 07i them.) 
Oh, you wait till my genelman friend gets wise to this ! 
You jist wait 1 

76 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



(Goes furiously out at c. Pauline stares at Gus and 
Charles in horror.') 

Charles. You see, Miss Wentworth 



Pauline. I don't wish to see. If you can conveniently 
arrange to leave by ten o'clock, I shall be very grateful. 

Gus. I say 

Charles. Oh, but Miss Wentworth 

Pauline {up l.). I'm sorry, but we have to be very care- 
ful about the kind of people we take into the house. 
Mr. Merri field, will you kindly arrange for their de- 
parture ? 

Gus {np c). Their ! You mean to say you're going to let 
him stay? {Points to Berk.) 

Charles. And turn us out ! (Go^s up r.) 

Pauline. Pm sorry. My aunt 

Berk {.^oin^ up l. to Pauline). Look here, Miss Paul- 
ine — for — for my sake 

Pauline. 1 won't have them in the house another hour. 
You needn't beg for them. 

Charles {to Berk). No, don't trouble yourself to beg for 
us. You'd better come along and pack your bag. 

Pauline. He's not going ! 

Charles (<r////^/////^ Berk by the shoulder'). Oh, isn't he? 

Gus. Miss Wentworth, please let me explain 

Pauline {eyeitig him severely). I said "ten o'clock." 

Berk {aside to boys). You go ahead, and 1*11 meet you 
at the station. {Comes down l.) 

Gus {desperately). When I think of those eyes 

Charles {savagely). Are you going, or do you want her to 
have us kicked out ? 

{Exit \..yfollo7ved by Gus.) 

Pauline {coming down r. c. ). Won't you try and break 
away from them ? They're such bad company for you. 

Berk. I'll try, but don't ask me to go back on them all at 
once. 

Pauline. You're too tender-hearted altogether. 

Berk {in some embarrassment). I'm afraid 1 am. 

Pauline. I came in to offer you some of that nerve medi- 
cine I gave Marie. 

Berk. I'll never need it worse. 

{Exeunt y R.) 
77 



LOOKING FOR MARY JANE 



(^Enter Merrifield at c, preceded by Gladys.) 

Merrifield. What do you mean by such impertinence? 

1 went to 213 Ontario Street, and what do you suppose 

it was? It was a moving picture show! A moving 

picture show, do you hear ? 
Gladys. Well, was he there? 
Merrifield. He was not. And I'm going to get at the 

truth of this business. Where is your mistress? 
Gladys. I ain't got no lime to stand here and gab. There's 

some one at the front door. 

{Exit, c.) 

Merrifield (coming down l.). I never saw such a house. 
It ought to be quarantined on general principles. I 
beHeve they're all crazy. Oh, let me get hold of 
Augustus once 

{Enter Schultz, frantical'y waving a telegram in his 
hand.') 

Schultz. Only let me my hands vonce on dis Berkeley 

Crane get, und I vill {Sees Merrifield.) Who 

are you ? 

Merrifield. Are you the quarantine official? 

Schultz. Am I vot? (Co?nes dmvn r.) 

Merrifield. Did you come here to quarantine this house 
for smallpox? 

ScHUi/rz (/■;/ horror). Smallpox? In dis house? And 
we open to-morrow night in ''Carmen" ! Ach, mein 
Gott ! {He sinks down on a chair.) 

Mp.rrifield. Carmen? 

ScHUi.TZ {bitterly). Madame Carlita Romapna Schultz — 
Carmen — the opera house — ach, Himmel ! 

Merrifield. Schultz ! Did you say Schultz ? (Schultz 
nods.) Has your wife got red hair ? 

Schultz. Vot? You haf seen my Carlita? 

Merrifield. I thought so. Then it's your wife that Berk- 
eley Crane is trying to run away with, eh ? 

Schultz. It is him or dat infernal young Merrifield. I 
cannot tell which, but I vill find out ! 

Merrifield. Merrifield ! My son, Augustus ! Impos- 
sible ! Augustus would rather die than elope with a 
married woman. 

78 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



ScHULTZ (rising). Veil, he shall die if I get hold of him 
vonce. Listen. Ven I get back to the hotel 1 find 
this telegram. It ees addressed to her. I open it. I 
read. I am consumed with rage. I go to her room. 
She iss out. Do you hear, out ! What do you think 
of that ? 

(^Hands ieiegrafn to Merrifield, who puts on his glasses 
and reads.) 

Merrifield (reading). ** Dear Carlita ! Owing to an ad- 
verse circumstance the affair is off. He will not arrive. 
Cousin John." Well? 

ScHULTZ. Well ! 

Meurifield. "An adverse circumstance." 

ScHULTZ. Dat iss me ! Me ! 1 am an ''adverse circum- 
stance" ! Me, her devoted husband 1 Ach, Hiunnel ! 

Merrifield. Yes, but who is " he " ? 

ScHLJLTZ. It iss young Crane or yoUng Merrifield. What 
does it matter to me vich it iss ? 

Mi':i<kifield. Well, it matters to me ! 

ScHULrz (risin^^). It iss all his fault. My Carlita iss so 
bright und cheerful. She like to flirt mit all de young 
men, but she would nefer do dis ting. She has been 
kidnap' ! I know it ! 

Merrifield (ivalking up and down in a rage). I'll find 
out if she's been kidnapped. Don't you worry ! 

Schultz. Ach, vat troubles has a manager ! First mein 
vife disappears, und then she visits in a house vera 
dere smallpox iss, und then my tenor, he leaves me. 

Merrifield (up l.). Maybe the tenor's the one she's 
eloped with ! 

Schultz. Nein — nein — she hates tenors. She all the time 
tells me, '* Gustave, vy do you nefer a handsome tenor 
get ? Must I always play Carmen to a Don Jose who 
looks like a monkey ? " Ach Himmel, who am I to do 
what the good Lord has nefer done, und make a hand- 
some tenor ? 

Merrifield. I'll find out the truth about this. I'll search 
this house again. If Augustus is in it, I'll have him 
down in ten seconds. You wait here. {He holts nut l.) 

Schultz. '*An adverse circumstance"! Me! Gustave 
Schultz! (He sits, r., shaking his head sadly. A 
shrill whistle comes from the closet. He looks up 

79 



LOOKING FOE 3IARY JANE 



in amazement. The whistle is repeated. He rises. 
Crosses cautiously to closet. Much perplexed, stands 
a moment as though not quite sure inhere the sound has 
come from. It cofnes again. He jumps. ^ Mein Car- 
lita ! (Zr<? grabs the door-knob.) Come out of dere, 
woman ! {He puts his ear to the keyhole and listens.') 
Locked in ! {Speaks through the keyhole.) Vere iss 
der key? {Listens to what she says.) Vot ? Veil, 
vy don't you know vere he put it ? Vot peessness have 
you to let young men lock you in closets und not know 
vere dey puts der keys ? Hein ? {Listens again.) 
Don't make so much noise ? 1 vill tear de house down 

— I vill Vot ? {Listens ; goes to table.) Find it ? 

How am I going to find it ven dot young scoundrel in 
his pocket has it ? ( Whistle is heard again. He goes 
back to the keyhole.) Hein? No, it iss not on de 
table. I tell you you drive me mad between you — 

you and dat tenor! I tell you, Carlita Hein? 

Veil, I vill look in de desk, and if I get arrested, it 
iss on your head ! 

{Goes to desk, finds key. Goes back to door, unlocks it. 
Carlita throws herself into his arms.) 

Carlita. Oh, Gustave, how could you leave me to face 
such a dreadful situation all by myself? 

ScHULTZ {repulsing her angrily). I I Leave you ! Vot 
do you mean ? 

Carlita. I mean the Chinaman, of course ! 

ScHULTZ. Chinaman ! Vot Chinaman ? 

Carlita {seizing the telegram). The one Cousin John 
wired about. An — an — adverse circumstance prevented 
him from coming and I've had all my worry for noth- 
ing ! 

{As Schultz stares at her in asto?itshment, Berk, Pauline 
and Marie enter at r. Pause as they see the couple.) 

Marie. Oh ! {Turns to go, but Pauline detains her.) 

Pauline. Augustus, what does this mean ? 

Schultz {up l.). Oh, dere you are! Vot you mean by 

locking mein vife in dat closet, hein ? 
Pauline {?/p r.). Locking your wife in that clo<?et ! 
Berk (up r.). Why — why {Angrily to Carlita.) 

Wliy don't you tell him what I meant ? 
80 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Carlita. Gustave, you must listen. I will tell the truth — 
I — I — ran into debt down in Mexico, and Cousin John 
promised me two hundred dollars if I would smuggle a 
Chinaman across the border in one of my trunks — so 
I__Idid 

Pauline ) (looking at each other ^ the light evidently begin- 

Marie j ning to appear). Oh I 

Carlita. Then I got frightened and one of these noble 
young men offered to check the trunk on his ticket. 

{She comes down l., laying hand on trunk.') 

Pauline {to Berk). Is this the truth ? 

Berk {coming down R.). It's as near it as anything you'll 

get out of her. 
ScHULTz {following Carlita down l.). And dat was why 

you come here ? 
Carlita. Yes. Then I got frightened when I saw the 

trunk and I went into Mr. Paddington's studio and 

heard his wonderful opera. I shall produce it — if — if 

I don't go to the penitentiary ! 
SCHULTZ. And you weren't flirting with — with any of them ? 

(Marie and Pauline come down r. c, and listen eagerly 
as Carlita answers.) 

Carlita {disdainfully). Flirting with them, when I have 

you, my Gustave ! 
Schultz. But vere iss der Chinaman ? 
Carlita. He didn't come. It was all Cousin John's fault. 

(Carlita crosses r. and hands telegram to Berk. He shows 
it to Marie and Pauline. Marie sits in chair ^ r. c.) 

Schultz. I haf never liked your cousin John or any of 
your family. 

Carlita {crossing l., and coaxing him). But you're not 
angry with me? 

Schultz. Angry with you, my angel ! Only think of the 
wonderful advertisement it shall make ! What singer 
of opera ever tried to smuggle a live Chinaman across 
the border in her wardrobe trunk ? The newspapers 
will be full of it. 

Carlita. Yes, but Gustave, suppose they send me to jail? 

8i 



LOOKING FOR 3IABY JANE 



ScHULTZ. Ef dey do, my darling, think of the box office 

receipts ven you come out ! 
Carlita. Oh, Gustave ! How clever you are ! 
ScHULTZ. Alretty yet I see the S. R. O. sign. 

(Enter Merrifield, l., leading Gus by the ear. Charles 
following sheepishly.) 

Berk {to Marie). I say, you won't go to the hotel now, 
will you ? 

Merrifield {landing Gus down c, and pointifig to CkK- 
lita). There she is, look at her. How dare you try 
to take her away from her husband — her devoted hus- 
band ? How dare you ? 

Gus. 1 didn't. It's a misunderstanding. 

(Charles /«j-/e^j the trunk up c. and comes down.) 

Schultz. It vas all de Chinaman who did not come ! 

Gus (coming down R. to Berk). Berk and I 

Merrifield (turning on Berk). Young man, if you've 
been getting Augustus Merrifield into trouble 

Berk. I haven't. I 

Marie. But — but he is Augustus Merrifield ! 

Merrifield. He ! Madame, your name, I believe, is 
Mary Jane ? 

Marie. Yes, it is. 

Merrifield. Then which of these young men are you en- 
gaged to? 

Marie (smiling'). All three, I believe. (Merrifield col- 
lapses. Marie, to Berk.) Oh, yes, I know all about your 
little plot, Augustus Merrifield. I made Polly tell me. I 
wouldn't marry you for all the money in the world — 
or you — nor you ! (Points to the other two.) 

Merrifield (wildly). But he's not Augustus Merrifield. 

Marie. Not Augustus Merrifield ! 

Merrifield. No. (To Gus.) Come here. (Gus goes 
R. c.) No. This is Augustus Merrifield ! 

Marie (to Gus). You ! 

Gus. Please let me explain ! (She waves him away.) 

Pauline (to Berk). Oh, you deceiver ! 

Berk. It wasn't I ! It was Charles. I didn't like the plot 
from the beginning. They wanted me to get engaged 

to Mary Jane and get the money. I 

82 



LOOKING FOR 31 A BY JANE 



Pauline. You did. 

Berk. But I 

Gus (Jo Marie). Of course you'll never forgive me. I 
don't expect you to, but please believe me when I tell 
you that I did it before I'd met you — I'd heard of you 
only as Mary Jane Crabbe. 

(Carlita and Schultz clutch each other excitedly when he 
says " Crabbe.'') 

Marie. Crabbe? My name wasn't Crabbe — it was Carey. 
Merrifield. Then you're not the Mary Jane after all. 

{Enter Paddington, c.) 

Paddington (^seeing Carlita, he rushes dawn L. c). She 
is here ! Madame, the finale — it is finished. I 

Merrifield (wildly). Is there a man named Paddington 
in this house? 

Paddington. He stands before you ! 

Merrifield. You answered an advertisement which stated 
that Mary Jane Crabbe would hear something to her 
advantage by communicating with me, John Merrifield ? 

Paddington. I did. 

Merrifield. And you gave me this address. Are you 
Mary Jane Crabbe ? 

Paddington. I am not, sir. But I wished to do her a 
service. 

Carlita. Did you say " something to her advantage " ? 

Gns. Gosh ! 

Merrifield. I did. Her father rendered me a great 
service once, and I wish to return it. 

Carlita. Yes ? 

Merrifield. At first I wished to marry her to my son, Au- 
gustus, but I changed my mind, as it seemed unfair to 
both the young people, so I decided to offer her twenty 
thousand dollars clear, if she preferred it. 

Berk. Well, any woman who wouldn't prefer twenty thou- 
sand dollars to Gus is a fool ! 

Carlita. Twenty thousand ! Oh, Gustave ! (Tl? Merri- 
field.) Give it to me. I am Mary Jane Crabbe. 

Merrifield. You ? 

Paddington. It is true. I discovered it from a friend of 
hers a year ago. I answered the advertisement so I 

83 



LOOKING FOR 31 A RY JANE 



could render her a service, and get her to read my 
opera. 

Carlita. I dropped the name when I went on the stage. 
It — it didn't seem to draw. 

Gus. Madame Schultz, I congratulate you, from the bot- 
tom of my heart. I'll make it my business to see that 
you get every cent of that money. (71; Marie.) And 
now, won't you forgive me, now that I don't have to 
marry you? Try to like me a little. You're the only 
girl in the world I ever cared for, if you could bring 
yourself to think of marrying me. 

Marie (Jaughing). I'll try, Augustus. 

Charles. And all my work for nothing ! 

Berk (Jo Pauline). Would you believe me if I said the 
same thing to you ? 

Pauline {with a grimace). Most certainly not. 

Berk. Then I'll stay in this town till you change your 
mind. 

Merrifield. But the smallpox ? 

Berk. I — I invented the smallpox to keep you away from 
Mrs. Varney. 

{Enter Gladys dragging Wing Tu, and still in her hat 
and coat.) 

Gladys. Here he is with my hat and coat on him, the 
dirty chink ! {To Berk.) Ain't you the little Sher- 
lock Holmes ! 

(Berk and Carlita stare at each other in horror.) 

Charles. But — but — there never was any Chinaman ! 

Gladys. Oh, wasn't there? Didn't my owh steady com- 
pany nab him walking down the street ten minutes ago ? 

Wing Tu {smiling happily). Me likee gettee littee bill paid. 

Pauline. Oh, it's Wing Tu, Mr. Paddington's laundry- 
man ! He's expecting a brother from China to-night. 
Oh, don't let the police get him ! 

Wing Tu. Police ! 

{He dashes out at c, hotly pursued by Gladys.) 

Pauline [fo Berk). And you said that Gladys 

84 



LOOKING FOB MARY JANE 



Berk. Oh, well, you'd have said the same thing if you*d 
been in my place. Anyhow, what does anything mat- 
ter as long as we've found Mary Jane? 









Tableau 




Gus 

Marie 
Pauline 
Berk 


Merrifield 


Charles 
Paddington 
Carlita 
Schultz 



CURTAIN 



8S 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

GRADUATION DAY AT WOOD HTLL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in Two Acts, by Ward Macauley. For six 
males and four females, with several minor parts.^ Time of 
playing, two hours. Modern costumes. Simple interior scenes; 
may be presented in a hail without scenery. The unusual com- 
bination of a real "entertainment," including music, recitations, 
etc., with an interesting love story. The graduation exercises, 
include short speeches, recitations, songs, funny interruptions,' 
and a comical speech by a country school trustee. Price, 15 
cents. 

EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in One Act, by Ward Macauley. Eight male 
and six female characters, with minor parts. Plays one hour. 
Scene, an easy interior, or may be given without scenery. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Miss Marks, the teacher, refuses to marry a 
trustee, who threatens to discharge her. The examination in- 
cludes recitations and songs, and brings out many funny answers 
to questions. At the close Robert Coleman, an old lover, claims 
the teacher. Very easy and very effective. Price, 15 cents. 

BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
tainment in Three Acts, by Ward Macauley. For four male 
and five female characters, with some supers. Time, two hours. 
Two scenes, both easy interiors. Can be played effectively with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. All the principal parts are 
sure hits. Quigley Higginbotham, known as "Quig," a clerk in 
a country store, aspires to be a great author or singer and 
decides to try his fortunes in New York. The last scene is in 
Quig's home. He returns a failure but is offered a partnership 
in the country store. He pops the question in the midst of a 
surprise party given in his honor. Easy to do and very funny. 
Price, 15 cents. 

THE DISTRICT CONVENTION. A Farcical Sketch 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For eleven males and one 
female, or twelve males. Any number of other parts or super- 
numeraries may be added. Plays forty-five minutes. No special 
scenery is required, and the costumes and properties are all 
easy. The play shows an uproarious political nominating con- 
vention. The climax comes when a woman's rights cham- 
pion, captures the convention. There is a great chance to bur- 
lesque modern politics and to work in local gags. Every 
part will make a hit. Price, 15 cents. 

SI SLOCUM'S COUNTRY STORE. An Entertainment 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eleven male and five female 
characters with supernumeraries. Several parts may be doubled. 
Plays one hour. Interior scene, or may be played without set 
scenery. Costumes, modern. The rehearsal for an entertain- 
ment in the village church gives plenty of opportunity for 
specialty work. A very jolly entertainment of the sort adapted 
to almost any place or occasion. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Unusually Good Eotertaioments 



Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, "Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," "Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 

iplanned a birthday surprise party for Mary Brinkley, recently 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs, 

' conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, vi^hich surprises 
the surprisers. The entertainment is a sure success. Price, 15 cents, 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jvtry, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 
character has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 
many rich parts, and ast fun throughout. Price, 15 cents. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
Act, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
characters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
ling-gun stream of rollicking repartee. Price, 15 cents. 

THE CASE OF SMYTKE VS. SMITH. An Original 
Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OLD MAIDS* ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson, For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the way of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. Price, 25 cents. 

' BARGAIN DAY AT BLOOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 
Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
ifun from start to finish. Price, 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two A- 
by Mks. E. J. H. GooDFELLow. One of the most p' 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. T' 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interic 
em costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learnin 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, ea 
suit each other as to the manner of fascinating the 
When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils f* 
the physician is a female practitioner. Price, 15 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in O 
DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirty r- 
fantastic gowns, or dominoed. Scene, interim' 
of Masonry. Some women profess to lear 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands + 
and they institute a similar organization. P- 

A COMMANDING POSITION. ^ 

tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For sev 
aeters and ten or more other ladies and chik 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interior 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living wit^ 
Skinflint. She decides to "attain a comr 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college set 
school teaching, but decides to go back to he 
cents. 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECl 

in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten fe. 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Cost« 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it the 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dea^_ 
Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel ^ 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to a. 
friend and so the secret travels. Price, 15 cents. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter- 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denotmces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment Price 15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



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